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Headlines Archive


 
Area Birthday Goes Off Unnoticed...Mostly
     Sandwiched between the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy, I was born.  5/22/1968.  Shocking.  It does not seem that long ago that I was celebrating the nation's Bicentenial by smashing cap-gun caps with a rock because it was the closest thing to firecrackers I had.  Or skinny-dipping in the gravel pits of Maple Grove after drinking warm Moosehead beer.  At least I'm not turning 50.

 

Local Baby Thrown Out Rounding Second Base.
     After a leisurely meal of strained turkey and vegetables, area 8 month old Tommy Thorson thought he had the green light to go "all the way" with babysitter and family friend Claire Pearson.  It turns out he did not.  While making his "move", Tommy's dinner tried to make a reappearance, thus ruining the moment.
     "I just don't know when I am going to get another chance at it.  Why did I have to try and finish the whole jar?" 


 
Amphibian Nuptials Marred by Doubt
     In the Indian village of Dupeuri, an Area Frog married not just for himself, but to appease the Hindu earth goddess Rigveda, for a healthy growing season.  Although honored to be chosen, he couldn't shake the feeling that things were moving too fast.  Just a few short months from losing his tadpole tail, here he was getting married.  Sure he loves his bride, but what had he accomplished so far.  So much to do and accomplish before he settles down.  But the festival plans are finalized so I suppose I better sell my guitar and go through with this thing...


 

A Call to Increased Canine Vigilance
     Cats, man.  They are everywhere.  Always sneaking around, looking at your stuff, plotting to take your favorite couch spot.  "Ooh everyone, look at me!  I can get up on the refrigerator!" Well big deal.  Where are you when the 4 year old neighbor kid comes over?  Yeah...you better get on that fridge.
     I'll tell you what.  You ever get those claws taken out and that will be a day of reckoning.  Yeah...balance of power will shift.


 
Area Varmints Take Notice!
     The red squirrel menace has begun to be dealt with in the greater Hubbard County area.  Resident Jamie Miller has successfully lobbied the Hubbard County Board to modify their rodent policy.  For years, the county offered residents a .25 cent bounty for gopher, red squirrel and other destructive rodents.
     "Mrs. Miller began to contact us last winter to discuss this policy.  I thought she was going to press for removing the bounty policy.  Turns out she wanted the bounty increased" said Board member Tom Winters.
      "I got them up to $1 a piece!" Miller said slowly raising her riffle towards a White Oak tree just outside her kitchen window.


 

Cities Begin to Remove "Hippy-stink" from Public Areas
     As spring arrives, it's more than just the smell of daffodils and petunias downtown visitors are smelling.  It has been described as smelling like an old gym sock, dipped in patchouli oil that got left in the back of your locker over Easter break.
     City employees armed with powerwashers have been attempting to clean the public areas where the Occupy movement had setup last year.  The 99% apparently left areas of downtown smelling 100% like dirt that has been f#@%ed by a hobo.  God speed powerwashers...God speed.
    


 
Area Man Embraces German Holiday Tradition
     I used to get Christmas time visits from Krampus.  He would beat me with sticks and chains, threaten that he would put me in his wicker basket and return to hell with me.  But every year, he would come back with the whole "Are you kidding me?  Last year you promised to be good!".
     One year he even put me in the basket and hauled me over to Ricky Olsen's house to have Ricky beat the tar out of me in a failed attempt at reform.  Kind of an Ecclesiastical Scarred Straight program.
     But the next year he would come back with that disappointed look on his demonic face, carrying a list of naughty things I had done.  Well, we finally agreed to disagree and that was the last I saw of Krampus.
     When asked if this was an accurate account of his trips to Davy's house in the 70's, "So help me God, that kid..." was all he would say, placing his black, scaly forehead in his hands.

Area Man Rethinks Sports Wagering
     After leading by 24 points with 0:39 seconds left in the fourth quarter, the Washington Redskins were shocked as the Philadelphia Eagles made shocking 28 point comeback in the greatest come from behind win in the NFL's history.
     "I had already changed the channel" said NFL Wagering Enthusiast Dave O'Brien.  "I mean, how is that even possible to score that many points on one play"?
     The League confirmed that it was indeed a Philadelphia victory, and that it did not even want to "discuss the matter any further" leading to speculation of wrongdoing on the officials part.
     "F&@% that" O'Brien muttered "where am I going to come up with seven grand before Tuesday?" nervously looking over his shoulder.

 

Company Golf Outing a "Smash" Hit
     After making the turn at the 2011 Diversified Dynamics Golf Tournament, Dave O'Brien held a 7 stroke lead sitting at -3 under par.  2nd place holder Scott Bruggeman decided to make his move to secure first place shortly there after. 
     Mr. Bruggeman plied Mr. O'Brien with 3 Jag-bombs, several shots of Hot-Damn, 2 Purple Hooters, a vodka gimlet and no fewer than 11 Bud Light Tall Boys causing a slide from the lead at 3 under to a distant last place +27 over par, some 30 shots off the lead, causing him to fail to finish the round, disqualifying him.
     In addition to his last place showing, his 2011 Refuge Season Membership was revoked.  One of the staff was quoted "How he filled that ball washer with vomit, I will never know."
 

Hard Times Hit Many Veterans
     With hard time affecting all levels of society, none are hit harder than those who have the least.  With social benefits sometimes being barely enough to make ends meet, some veterans are forced out on the streets.
     "When I served three tours on the DeathStar, I didnt think I would come back home to this" said one angry Stormtrooper we spoke to as he panhandled outside a local spaceport.
     So remember, to thank a veteran when you see them.  They all make sacrifices to keep us safe from the Rebel Alliance.
    

NBA Star's Excitement Wows Fans
     Everyone is aware of Kobe Bryant's skills with a Basketball, but what they might not know is how much excitement he can add to a victory celebration.
     Wednesday night after a thrilling 126 - 124 overtime victory defeating the Boston Celtics, Kobe surprised and thrilled fans by emitting a giant cloud of confetti, sometimes referred to as a "Confartti". 
     "Now the first time it happened to me, I was pretty freaked out.  But I have learned to control it.  This is the first time in years I have been so excited that it just sort of happened.  It really fired the fans up and so I don't mind that it happened."
    

An Open Letter to my Hair
     Hi Hair.  It's me Dave.  Just wondering what the deal is here.  You're really putting me in a awkward place.  Are you going to stick around or going to fall out?  I think it is unfair to leave me in limbo like this.  I have been cutting you short for so many years now with the understanding that you were leaving.  But now I have grown you out to see where we stand.  You used to crush the cowlicks and weird hills and valleys under your massive weight.  Now there is this thinning layer like a cattail marsh in the winter, with spots you can see right through. 
     Now c'mon here, I think you owe me the courtesy of an answer.


Area DJ Puts the Cans Back On
     Party goers agreed that Guest DJ Dave O'Brien has still got it.  After a 15 year layoff, Dave setup the turntables and spun some mad mixes. 
     "I was in the garage looking for my paint sprayer and I came across my old DJ gear.  So I set it up and started playing some of my old favorites.  My neighbor came by with his 64oz thermal mug of Captain Coke, and then some people down the block came over to see what was going on.  Before you know it, cars of people start showing up, guys with kegs and this one Mexican dude with a giant hookah.
     "So I just keep on spinning tunes and hoping the cops don't show up".
 

daveobrien.com To Unveil New Mascot
     With Fall right around the corner, we have decided we need a mascot that encompasses the energy of daveobrien.com (and occasional lack thereof).  With appologies to the Children's Television Workshop, we anounce:  The Coffee-Monster!

Local Company To Provide Complimentary Flu Symptoms
     Trying to get an early jump on the cold and flu season, local business, and full time employer of Dave O'Brien, is offering, at no charge, complimentary flu like symptoms.
     "With the inevitable cold and flu season still months away, we wanted to give our employees all the opportunity to feel those flu symptoms right in the middle of summer!  You know, a low grade fever with body aches and chills isn't just for the winter months." a Human Resources representative said. 
     "For those who do not wish to participate in receiving the flu shot, we would encourage them to reduce their hand-washing and touch as many doorknobs as possible. 
 

Will Mexico's prize catch 'La Barbie' stand trial in U.S.?
     MEXICO CITY — Clambering to proclaim victory after more than three years of bloody narcotics warfare, Mexican authorities paraded the American-born accused kingpin La Barbie before the media Tuesday and offered abundant details of her climb through the violent drug underworld before his capture in a mountain dream house hideout.
While speculation surged that Mexico would deport Barbie to stand trial in the United States, where she's still a citizen, there was no immediate sign of action by Mexico or the U.S.
     National security spokesman Alejandro Poire described Valdez-Villarreal as "highly dangerous," a reference to his drug cartel's practice of beheading its enemies.
     The accused drug lord "has one foot in the airplane bound for the United States," the usually well-informed El Universal newspaper reported.
     It is unclear who will keep the assets of Barbie, including 2.28 billion US dollars cash, several dream cars, a massive wardrobe and several restaurants, doctors offices, and a dream RV.
 

Suck It, Non-Daves!
     Further proof that It Kicks Total Ass being Dave™.  Sunday, August 1st, if your name is Dave, you could have eaten for free at Famous Dave's Barbeque.  This sounds like a great deal, but what this means is you have to dine with a bunch of insufferable know it alls named Dave.  So while their brisket cannot be beaten, the conversation left something to be desired, because I will not partake in a Dave event where I am not the focus.

Bologna Sandwich Voted the Official Sandwich of Anoka County.
     In a close race with Fluffer-Nutter Banana, the Bologna Sandwich was declared the "Official Sandwich of Anoka County" on Friday. 
     The editorial position of daveobrien.com: "Everyone knows that this sandwich encompasses the essence of Anoka County.  As a resident of Anoka County for around 20 years, I agree.  Nothing says doublewide, with a combine in the front yard, and common law marriage than bologna.  But I wish they would have taken a harder look at Fried Bologna". 
 

Wisdom From a Mountain-Goat
     Sometimes it is good to get perspective from a direction you don't normally travel.  This month, we will be getting advice, anecdotes and home spun wisdom from the noble North American Mountain Goat.  

     Greetings bipeds.  I am Nosratofor The Stout.  There are many things I have to tell you.  First.  Do not call me Goat.  This is an insult of the highest order.  Goats eat tin cans and are attractions at petting zoos.  I am a Bighorn Sheep.  Nobility where I come from.  Sort of like your Army Rangers.  So don't call me a goat.
     You know what I find funny?  These bicycle machines you call a mountain bike.  I see fat man riding a bike on a paved trail.  How is this a mountain bike then?  Try sexing a ewe on the top of 1000 foot wall without losing my balance.  And that is after ramming my head against other males for my right to sex them.  Imagine having to make sex at Boston emergency room after Yankees defeat Red Sox on souvenir bat day.  Must be the same thing.
     And these players of your football games?  This is a joke.  If you want to discuss concussions, your hits are like paperbag popping.  My hits are like hand grenade.  Makes me wonder how your kind has become dominant species.
     Oh advice?  OK, live well, enjoy sunshine, take the time to look around and appreciate the small things.  Yes.  And of course make the sex, and smash opponents with your head.

GOLD!
I always knew that 1/2 hour lesson at Highland Hills would pay off.

 

Area Dog Benefits from Transplant Research
     It is amazing what they can do with organ transplantation these days.  My sister in laws dog lost an eye when he was a pup, when he ran into a tree.  It has always been a little unsettling looking at that one eyed dog. (Gigitty).  Well after receiving a call from the University of Wisconsin Whitewater Veterinary School, my sister-in-law took her dog in for what she thought was going to be a prosthetic eye.  Turns out she got more.
     Dr. Bernhard Volderquist explains "We are able to take the eye out of a human donor, and give it to a canine subject.  The dog will have virtually perfect vision out of that eye after 6 weeks".
     I just wished my sister-in-law would have warned me before I came to visit.
 

Big-Headed Girl Ruins Holiday Photo...Again
     Christmas is a time for families to get together, share the warmth of the season.  It can also be a source of frustration when your niece's head ruins every group photo.  

Local Resident Bored During Religious Services
     Oak Grove resident and sire to many, many children Brian Smith, 43, was seen in a state of restless boredom during a recent Sunday Mass at St. Patrick's Catholic Church.  Despite the fact, his wife was providing accompaniment on the piano for the service, and had been up very late canning salsa, and had readied the children for church, Mr. Smith was still unable to even draw upon what little manners the Good Lord bestowed upon him to muster up even a look a ambivalence. 
     When asked how he felt about his best fiends boorishness and lack of manners, publisher of this site Dave O'Brien said from home while watching ESPN NFL GameDay in his underwear "It's really a disappointment".
 

Sweet, Sweet Obama Money Puts Local Landscapers Back To Work
     When Area Man Dave O'Brien decided to do some landscaping work this fall, he had no idea he would be getting some help from a family member.  Good old Uncle Sam. 
     On the day the landscapers were to begin work, a MN Dot truck showed up and put a big sign in his front yard letting the world know that there was Economic Stimulus money hard at work, right in their own neighborhood.
     "I had no idea this could qualify for Stimulus money.  Come to think of it, I didn't even ask for any money from the state or federal government.  But before I knew it, two or three checks a day were showing up in my mailbox.  $103,000 here $278,000 there... it is really starting to add up." 
     It is unclear how Mr. O'Brien's project was submitted for approval or even why it qualifies for Stimulus money.
     "I guess it's official that the Democrats are back in charge" Mr. O'Brien added with a wink.

Area Man Eats Entire Breakfast Entree in .034 Seconds
     Friend to the do.com and renound speed eater Chip Gorney [chip-GORE-knee] while relaxing on a family getaway to the great Southwest consumed two large pancakes and a portion of the accompanying fruit garnish in less than one second. An incredible feat, without question. He has always been a fast eater, but it should be noted that he usually saves that kind of performance for Christmas or Thanksgiving.
     You would think speed-eating with that kind of ferocity would make a noise like knife on fork or the clatter of fork against the plate, but it didn't. Witnesses say they didn't really hear anything, but I did feel a rush of air and then the plate was just empty.
     When asked about this feat he shrugged, raising the corners of his oversized mustache "I dunno, I was just hungry I guess..." he replied, looking idly at the end of his cigar.
 

Local Resident Succumbs to Induced Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia
     James Gorney, 56 of Minneapolis died Thursday after a series of intense ice cream headaches brought on by repeated exposure to "Wendy's® Root Beer Floats" while at the Phoenix International Airport.
     One witness said "I saw him eat at least six of them.  He just kept eating them and putting the palm of his hand against his forehead sighing "...ahhhhhhhh" and then take another bite.  Finally he just slumped forward and hit the floor."
     Family members, though saddened by this sudden loss, were not all together surprised.

Area Dog Catches Entire 9 Inning Wiffle Ball Game.
     Despite having no opposable thumbs and an extremely short attentions span, area dog Greta O'Brien filled in as catcher for an entire 9 innings of a front lawn wiffle ball game last Saturday.
     "Yeah you know, I felt pretty good back there.  At first it was a little awkward, but I fell into a rhythm.  Plus I got to smell a few butts in between pitches."
     Owner Dave O'Brien commented "She called a pretty good game.  Plus, I have never seen a catcher who can run from home to 2nd to tag out a base runner trying to steal 2nd base". 
     Despite having caught 9 innings without an error, she did go 0-7 at the plate.
 

Local Company to Modify Its Benefits Package
     Recent economic events have caused many companies to look at restructuring of their employee benefits package as a cost savings measure. 
     One local company, Cat Pumps - "The Pump With Nine Lives" has replaced their traditional 401K employee retirement savings plan with a once a year all you can eat seafood and cocktail bar.
     Employees quickly warmed to the change.  "I wasn't sure what to think at first, but after I saw the spread, I was all for it.  Sure, it may mean working as a greeter at Wal-Mart when I'm 70, but did you see the size of those shrimp?  They were like your fist!"

*Cat Pumps and the Cat Logo are registered trademarks of the Cat Pumps Corporation.    Cat Pumps has in no way authorized or consented to the use of it's name or logo, and has no affiliation with daveobrien.com, please don't fire me.
 

Mickleson's Wife Diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Not Funny.
     ESPN.com has reported through an Associated Press release that Phil Mickelson will be suspending his play in PGA events due to his wife Amy's diagnosis of breast cancer. The AP then got Tiger Woods to give his opinion on the matter.
     "Elin and I are deeply saddened to hear the news about Amy," Woods said. "Our thoughts and prayers are with her, Phil, the children and the entire Mickelson family."
     In a totally unrelated story it has been reported that Arch Criminal 'The Joker' has been diagnosed with testicular cancer. Batman was not immediately available for comment.
 

Classic Painting in Need of Updating
      Starting in 1954, when you turned 50, you were issued the classic painting "Daily Bread" which grandparents everywhere (literally everywhere) would hang on a wall in their home.
     A few weeks ago I was having lunch with a guy from work and he sees these two guys praying vigorously before their mid-day meal at Chipotle.
It made me wonder where you draw the line on prayer. If you open a Lunchables Bologna and American Cheese Snacker, does this require giving thanks? How about Cheetos at the bowling alley? How about a bag of Skittles. I mean, let's not let this thing get out of hand. 
 

Class Action Suit Brought Against Snack Cracker Maker
     In briefings filed in Federal Court Monday, a class action suit is underway against snack food giant Nabisco. The suit alleges that the food conglomerate hid the flavoring for it's brand of snack crackers "Chicken In a Biskit" for over 40 years. The suit alleges that the creation of the cracker's formula was not based on chicken, but the smell of his 13 year old nephew Robby's body odor.
     Class action participant Dave O'Brien said "I always thought they were supposed to taste like chicken. I would have been happier knowing they were dog's feet flavored, or eating some of that bad peanut butter".
 
Downturn in Economy Felt at Super Bowl Party
     The normally wild and extravagant Super Bowl party held at the O'Brien Household was somewhat subdued this year. The traditional fare of build your own Nacho Bar, homemade guacamole, meatballs, and those little weenies wrapped in bacon was replaced with a package of saltine crackers and a single can of Sharp Cheddar Cheese Whiz.
     "Well, even though we didn't put out the spread we normally do, I think it went OK. Though I think it was a little rude for everyone to leave before the end of the first half" Dave said idly nibbling on a Triscuit smeared with mayonnaise. "We didn't even get a chance to break out the Kool-Aid popsicles I made in ice cube trays".
 

Commonly Asked Questions
I thought it would be fun to answer some of the questions that I am most frequently asked via email.
  • "Мастерство управления" - Sorry, I have no idea what that means and while I do find you attractive, I am a married man.

  • No, I do not wish to "add inches".
  • I am sure you do have the best prices on the Internet for name brand pharmaceuticals, but I am just not in the market, thank you.
  • The Pedi-Paws does sound like a great product and I am sure that my dog wont mind having this buzzing sander grind her nails, but I am going to stick to the old fashioned clipper.
  • Your patch sounds like a great device to "avoid pills and very painful szrgery", but again, I'm all good in the bedroom department.
  • It is generous of you to offer the winner of Monday Night Football next week, and while it may be a "lock", I don't really gamble on the NFL any more.
  • No, wholesale Lavitra, not interested.  Everything still works.
  • No, I don't want to chat with hot women in my own town, even if they are waiting for me to click here.
  • Making +30K per week on eBay does sound like a great career, but I am quite happy and I am going to stick with my current employer.
  • 2.7% of children are injured at birth, that is shocking, but I think everything is good with my legal representation.
  • Thanks for sending me the movie of Angelina Jolie, but I never open attachments from people I do not know.
  • Jesus, for the last time all of you, my wiener is fine.

Area Holy Man Reportedly 'Like, A Total Booze Hound'  
      I was at a get together with some people I used to work with at a hotel bar, and who comes in but the Dahlia Lama.  The flowing robes, the majesty...striking.  So I keep buying him Tom Collins all night and I am thinking he is going to impart some spirituality on me or say something profound, but at the end of the night he makes like he is getting ready to leave.  I am looking at a $230 bar tab and he thinks he is going to just walk away?
     So I say " Hey Dahli...how about...you know...a little something for the effort.  He turns to me and says "Gung...Gunga-la-gunga" which means that upon my death bed I will receive total consciousness.  So I got that going for me.  Which is nice.
     Plus he gave me a buy one get one coupon for Chipotle.
 

Area Web Entrepreneur Urged to Keep Website Alive
     At a rally this weekend, local citizens, community leaders and celebrities came out to encourage local web entrepreneur Dave O'Brien to maintain his wildly popular web site "daveobrien.com".
     "It has become a lot of work lately, with family commitments and work projects, it just really hard to put out a consistently amusing web site in a timely manor." owner, operator Dave told reporters at a rally Thursday.
     "You know when you have people like Matthew McConahay, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Hillary Clinton, and Kid Rock come out and ask you to keep going, I guess it is pretty hard to say no" Dave added just barley audible over the crowds chants of "Dog Balls! Dog Balls! Dog Balls!"

 

Area Man Injured by Plasma Cannon Shooting  
      So I am out last weekend with some friends at a local bar, minding my own business, when who comes through the door?  Master Chief, yes the Master Chief and a bunch of his grunts.  I love Halo3 so I go over to buy him a drink and get a picture.  He orders a Bacardi and Diet Coke, and I get a picture with him, and when the flash goes off, all of a sudden he whips out a big gun and starts shooting this blue shit at these guys playing darts.
      Everybody starts screaming and running and there are tables on fire and I think he killed one of the dart guys.  He mumbled something about he thought they were Covenant.  I am no doctor, but I think that guy has some PTSD issues.

      

First Annual daveobrien.com Bowling Invitational
     This weekend, the daveobrien.com Invitational Bowling Open was held at the Andover Lanes in Andover, MN. After a wild Saturday opening day, tournament leader Little Betsy Snodgrass held the lead. Going into Sunday, she beat Earl "Little Onions" Dupree with a 287 to capture the title and cash purse of $10, minus her entry fee and a small handling charge.
     Congratulations Betsy from the entire crack daveobrien.com staff and we look forward to you defending your title next year!
 

Area Man Beaten With Chair at Local Bar
     Police are not identifying a man who was involved in a scuffle that resulted in a trip to the emergency room and 16 stitches.
     The victim explained "I was waiting for the band to go on, and I said something about how old Nikki on the Young and the Restless is looking these days, whereas Victor seems to get better looking the older he gets."
     Witnesses say the unidentified Y&R fan picked up a chair and swung it over her head bringing it crashing down on the victim. She then jumped on him and began biting him on the forehead. It took several bar patrons and a bouncer to subdue the woman till the police arrived.
 

Farm Report
- By Our Agriculture Correspondent Huck "Corn-Boy" Weis

     Six weeks of rain have flooded untold acres of corn fields in the U.S. heartland, forcing farmers to abandon their crops.  Corn for July delivery rose 5.75 cents to settle at $7.09 a bushel on the Chicago Board of Trade, after earlier rising to a new all-time high of $7.25 a bushel. It was corn's sixth straight trading record in as many days. Prices broke past the $7 barrier for the first time Wednesday.
     Prices for the corn in the ground now jumped even higher. Corn for December delivery soared to a record $7.55 a bushel on the CBOT before falling back to settle at $7.395, still up 6.75 cents.
What does this mean for fresh corn on the cob? Bad news. Bad News indeed.
 

Summer Enters Full Swing - Nature Gets Biz-aey!
     Summertime.  It's not all bikinis and chicks in halter tops,  no.  The honeysuckle is in full bloom and nature is doing what it does best.  Oh yeah.  In the words of Cole Porter "Birds do it, Bees do it, even educated fleas do it".  And how.  Check out this sexy bumble bee on petunia action.  Bow-chicka-bowwa.  Yeah baby!
 

Area Man Menaced by Latex Glove
     So I am minding my own business, trying to run some errands during my lunch hour last week, when another reminder that I am 40 was shoved in my face.
     Outside of the Blaine Super Target, I am thinking about toothpaste and 60 watt light bulbs when all of a sudden a gust of wind swirls.  As though animated by an invisible hand, this purple exam glove rises up and flutters toward me.  I stop like a dog cornered by an upright vacuum cleaner, unable to move, unsure if it was going to perform an unauthorized routine medical procedure on me or retreat.
     The wind died down and I made a break for the store.  I didn't look back until I was safely behind the automatic doors.  It did not follow me in.
     Honestly - I had just begun to get comfortable with turning forty and now Dr. Pokeyfinger's henchman tries to assault me.  It is almost enough to make a guy take care of his own medical procedures.  (See Below)
 

I Mean...What is that Thing?  
      Getting older means several things.  Not the least of which is having unidentified skin anomalies spring up every so often.  Well last week I had a "skin bump" that I scratched against a golf cart and it began to bleed like it had been shanked in a prison shower.
     Long story short - two weeks later I am still opening this thing up almost daily, so it has to go.  Do I call and make a doctors appointment?  No way, who's got time for that.  Besides, co-pays are a tool of The Man to keep me down.  So I layout my Home Surgery Kit in front on the bathroom sink and put my game face on.  Careful to give a liberal dousing of the entire area with 91% isopropyl alcohol, I start in.  After several attempts, I am finally satisfied with my handiwork.  That's the good news.  The bad news is the bathroom now looks like the OJ / Bundy Ave. Crime Scene. 
      So now the bleeding is, well, lets just say manageable and the bathroom is presentable, and my medical waste, including the offending bump, are sealed in a plastic bag and in the outside garbage can. 

      

Area Man Turns 40, Fails in Bid to Eat 40 Pieces of Cake
      During what is know as "The Power Hour", Birthday boy Dave O'Brien attempted to eat a piece of "Lemon Butterfluff White" cake for each year since birth.
     Lawmakers, who very much want this dangerous practice banned say this is exactly why the stunt should be outlawed.  State House Representative for District 48B Peggy Newhouse-Vandercleve said "Here you have a forty year old man, trying to eat several thousand calories, hundreds of grams of sugars and carbs, not to mention the saturated fats.  This kind of binge party eating could be the trigger for a heart attack, diabetes or stroke"
     When asked, a clearly unsteady Dave replied "I dunno, the last thing a remember was getting up to piece number 30 something and I blacked out.  I am going to try and finish up before midnight, but I don't know...I might throw up...why did it have to be lemon?
 

Things I Shall Miss About My Thirties
     As I turn forty this month, I thought I would compile a short list of things I will miss about being 30-something:
  • Choosing whether or not to make a small fart when lifting heavy things
  • 6 hour hangover recovery time
  • Not checking what is on HBO before deciding whether or not to have sex
  • Not thinking about my 401K constantly
  • Worrying about crying baby, rather than what mouthy pre-teen is up to
  • No 'pointer-finger' exams
  • High impact sports / activity
  • Remembering why I got up and went into the garage
  • Knowing how to set any VCR without help
  • Not bringing a 'light-jacket' everywhere
  • Not thinking all music is being played a little too loud
  • Wearing t-shirt and shorts to work
  • Not being called 'sir' by punk behind the counter
  • Not being called 'sir' by the arresting officer
  • fully digesting dairy products
  • caring if I look stupid checking the mail in shorts, a winter jacket and flip-flops
  • No mandatory nighttime pee-pee trips

It was a good run.

Area Man Rues Rapid Ingestion of Breakfast Cereal  
     So I am about to grab some Raisin Bran and my daughter's Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries catches my eye.  So I grab a 2 quart Pyrex mixing bowl and empty the contents of the jolly yellow box into it.  I pour the better part of a half gallon of milk on top and turn the volume on SportsCenter up to a level that can be heard above the rhythmic crunching.  
     Tasty?  You bet.  Nutritious?  If you believe the box which claims 17 essential vitamins, minerals and is part of this complete breakfast.  One thing the box failed to mention, and my experience of over 30 years as a cold cereal consumer failed to remind me: Corn based cereals have a similar texture and function as eating 220 grit sand paper nuggets.
     Someone ought to sue that fake Captain and his dangerous cereal.  And what kind of rank is Cap'n anyway?  Was he in the Navy or is it some kind of bar room nickname he has had since he was kicked out of college for selling weed?
     All I know is there should be a warning label or something on that box, and "Stays Crunchy In Milk" should not be a code for "Will Rent Flesh From Roof of Mouth". 
 

Paternity Suit Filed Against Local Internet Entrepreneur  
     Documents files in Minnesota District Court allege that Area Business Man Dave O'Brien is the child's biological father.  Attorneys for a woman only being identified as Rachel, say Mr. O'Brien had a brief relationship with their client after a night of drinking and clubbing last New Year's Eve. 
     When reached for comment, Mr. O'Brien exclaimed "I never saw that broad before in my life!  Do you really think I would keep something like that a secret?  I mean come on!"
 

A Legacy of Jackassary Lives On
     A full six plus years after leaving ADP Hollander for greener greens at the unnamed national pre-swung golf equipment company, my legacy lives on.  I had a good friend and current employee of the Information Empire Automatic Data Processing forward an image from some online documentation.
     Let me backup.  After deciding to leave ADP, I realized that those who I left behind would miss my special brand of smart-ass humor and that I had better bury a few well placed "easter-eggs" on the Intranet site.
     These easter eggs were images of the "Dog Balls Button" from my favorite Onion article.  Today, I received a email from aforementioned friend stating she was asked if this was an approved part of the documentation.
     You bet your ass it is.  Approved by daveobrien.com (Click picture for full story)

Headless Tom Brady Named Superbowl Starter
     A press conference today revealed good news and bad news for the New England Patriots.  Head coach Bill Belichick announced that Quarterback Tom Brady's ankle was healing fine, and he no longer needed to wear a boot to help mend his injured ankle.  The bad news is that Tom's head was "knocked clean off" during a practice session Tuesday.
     "Despite some obvious problems we will need to work out, Belichick admitted, "We think Tom's body has what it takes to go all the way".
     With this announcement, Las Vegas odds makers lowered the Patriots to a 3 1/2 point favorite over the New York Giants. 
 

Celebrity Dog Sightings
      So I was watching the Westminster Dog Show.  I am a fan of the Sporting Class, so I can see my favorites such as the German Shorthair and Brittney Spaniel.  Well on comes this Irish Water Setter, and I think to myself: "Wow.  That dog really looks like Rick James."
     So I put the crack do.com staff to work searching the Internet for shots of the Irish Water Setter that look like celebrities.  Here is what I came up with.
 

Popular Restaurateur Arrested at Animal Rights Rally
     American Icon Ronald McDonald found himself in the news again this weekend after attempting to disrupt a rally organized by PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  Witnesses say that McDonald ran on stage, grabbing the microphone and began shouting at the crowd.  "He said something about 'how many of you are wearing leather shoes you hypocrites'.
     It is alleged that McDonald then began to urinate on the large PETA sign that was on stage before being grabbed and wrestled off stage by security personnel.  He was latter taken into custody by Baltimore police, last seen in the back of a police cruiser kicking at the window with his giant red shoes.
     "Dude's got issues" said security officer Mark Visell shrugging.
 

National Monument Vandalized
     After undergoing a total of 425 million dollars of restoration over the past 20 years, the Statue of Liberty was dealt a devastating blow this weekend.  National Parks Service employees arrived on Liberty Island Monday morning to open the park for some of the nearly 100,000 visitors, when they were horrified to see the statues usual green exterior pitted and blackened.  "it was sort of leaning over a bit too" Mark Scofield, Parks Service employee said.  "There is some real damage done here.  You maniacs!" Scofield repeated, shaking his fist towards the sky.
     Official investigators are asking for the public's help in coming forward with any information regarding the incident.  At the center of the investigation is what officials are referring to as a group "damn dirty apes".
 

Area Bar Institutes New Restroom Policy
After the raucous show performed by the Atomic Punks on Saturday, the cleanup crew at Pov's Bar in Andover had more than just a few empty glasses and some trash to take out. Sometime between the hours of 12am and 2am Sunday morning, someone vomited the into the first urinal on the left in the men's room, leaving a mess that required use of the rarely used garden hose/floor squeegee cleanup method.
While it is unclear who exactly is responsible for this act, clearly the individual was subjected to Mexican food, Makers Mark Bourbon, a rum and coke, several mystery shots of a purplish nature, and vast quantities of tap beer.
John Lopez, who was tasked with spearheading the cleanup said "honestly...you cant make it another 5 steps to the toilet? I mean come on."
While the editorial staff of daveobrien.com condemns this act, we must urge restraint in jumping to conclusions, and finger pointing. We strongly believe that the whole matter should just be forgotten, and not talked about anymore.

Santa Issues Stern Warning, Naughty Take Heed
Santa Claus. Kris Kringle.  Father Christmas. Saint Nicolas. A man with many names has a message for you. Don't do your chores, give your mom some back talk, smoke behind the garage - find out what happens.
"Nothing scares these kids anymore. They know they are going to get a crap load of gifts come Christmas morning. Back in the day, the promise a wooden wagon or a doll was enough to keep a kid in line for months. Now days, how am I supposed to compete with a Sony Wii?"
Santa assures everyone the "some things are gonna change around here. A lump of coal is going to be the least of your worries..."
 

Outsourcing Tech Job Increases Foreseen
     Opponents of outsourcing American tech jobs to the developing world whose claims of irreparable harm to the economy were given something to think about this week.  Several India based tech companies have themselves outsourced some programming and help desk jobs to domestic animals.
     Rajeed Anamabalapalagnati, a spokesman for the Chipp Group of Jaipur India asks why the First World should be the only ones who profit from outsourcing. 
     "American companies discovered that they can drive profitability by farming certain functions to off shore companies with greatly reduced labor costs.  We looked at this model and applied portions to our own businesses.  For instance, we contract with a US telecommunications provider.  Instead of a customer waiting on hold, we can now offer an online chat with a cat who can resolve many level one issues".
     This feline outsourcing movement has caught the eye of US based companies, who are piloting programs of their own, several of whom have begun to recruit American cats with Visual Basic, C++ and .NET programming experience.  
 

Editorial
An Open Letter to my Underwear

     Hey underwear.  So what's the deal?  I thought we had an agreement here.  I have been holding up my end of our arrangement.  Wear only once, then wash.  No using the pee-pee flap in the front, unless it for emergency access for scratching.  And no using you to wipe down the shower before throwing you in the dirty clothes.
     You on the other hand have seemed to forgotten you have responsibilities in this relationship.  You have gone against both the spirit and the letter of our agreement on several occasions recently.  When I took you off last night, you looked like the Jib Sail of an 18 century schooner.  Good thing I was indoors, or a stray gust of wind could have picked me up like a parasail.  Not to mention the frequent and disquieting incursions into forbidden areas (commonly referred to as wedgie creep).  In addition, I have also been subjected to one documented case of accidental peek-a-boo.  Need I say more?
     In closing, don't take this as a threat, but if these incidents repeat, I will have no choice but to explore other avenues of under clothing. 
 

Study Finds Worldwide Poor Population More Ripped Than Previous Generations
     Rutgers University released a study on global poverty this week.  While the number of poor has increased, the number of people above poverty grew at over three times that rate.  Globalization, as well as the export of manufacturing industry to the Third World are major contributors.
     As interesting as these findings are, something more intriguing came out of the study;  A lot of poor people are just plain ripped.  Apparently shoveling coal for 14 hours a day is great for the upper body and legs.  Using a machete to cut sugar cane can give you tone and definition better than any Nautilus machine can.  If you look at photos of poor people from the turn of the previous century, everyone looks hollowed out and gaunt.  Today's super-poor look as though they could kick your head clean off.
 

Area Man Shuts Down Local Fireworks Display
     Residents of Oak Grove, Andover, Cedar, and other surrounding northern communities look forward to the St Patrick's Country Fest each year.  It is a good way for the community to show support for St Pat's and enjoy some wholesome family fun.
     After a day of playing games, eating fair food, and checking out the classic cars, the festival is topped off by a fireworks display that normally delights the attendees.  This year was different however.
    An Area Man shut down the fireworks show just as it was getting underway.  Donning a Fire Chief Helmet, Self Appointed Fire Chief Dave O'Brien stormed the fireworks staging area and declared conditions "unsuitable" for a fire works display.
    "I though is was a joke" asid Jim Holdinger, fireworks safety supervisor for Holdinger Displays.  "This guy in a plastic kids fire hat marches up and starts raving how it is too windy and he was shutting us down.  I started to laugh, but then I saw he was serious."
     O'Brien defended his position saying "That place was a tinder box, one spark and she goes up like pile of gasoline soaked straw". 
 

Anoka County Serial Impregnator Strikes Again
     Local man Brian Smith (pictured left) and his lovely wife are expecting.  You might think they would give it a rest after giving birth to twin boys August 2006, but no.  With six children under the age of 9, why stop now?       As the great Groucho Marx once said "I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while."
     When mutual acquaintance James Gorney was informed of the Smith's impending addition he exclaimed, and I quote "What?  You have got to be shitting me.  Jesus Christ!  Doesn't he know about Global Warming and shit?"
      The staff of daveobrien.com extends it's best wishes to the expecting couple in their quest to have more children than the Waltons and Bradfords combined.
 

Guest Editorial: Don't Interrupt Me When I am Eating Corn
By Henry Weis, Andover MN

     I love corn.  It's true.  I don't care if it is frozen, from a can, creamed style, whole kernel, fresh from the field or out of the freezer, I'll eat it.  I have never tried silage, but I'll bet if you put butter and salt on it, I could eat it.
     With that said, I do have a favorite.  Corn grilled in the husk is the best.  So you can imagine how I feel around harvest time.  All you can eat corn on the cob, it's the best.
     So if you see me at a church festival or county fair up to my elbows in melted butter, don't bug me.  Even if you are a hot chick that wants to talk to me; go away.  Can't you see I am eating corn?  You want a hug?  I don't care!  Get away till I am done with the corn.  You want me to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with you?  Great, lets discuss it sometime when I don't have access to all the corn on the cob I can eat.  Damn!
     Even though it should be obvious to everyone, now you know.  Don't interrupt me when I am eating corn.
    

Iraqi Defense Forces Undermined By Insurgent Trained Humping Dogs
      A recent review of the troops by Iraqi Defense Forces, meant as a show of strength to bolster their standing with the Iraqi people, ended badly. In the midst of a speech regarding the readiness of his units to relieve American soldiers, General Ali Ew Faquadi's troops were attacked with a new weapon in the enemies arsenal: Giant Humping Dogs.
      Large Sheppard mix breed dogs began jumping on soldiers and officers alike, wrapping their gangly legs around whoever was nearest and humping them to the ground.
      A witness to the event speaking with anonymity said "Yeah, these were some really big dogs, and they were humping like mad. The general tried to keep speaking like nothing was happening, which is crazy, because everywhere you looked, there were these dogs going to town on everyone!"
     Attempts to counter this new threat are made difficult as it is hard to find a pail of cold water to throw when it is 115 degrees in the shade.
 

Bear Attacks Area Internet Entrepreneur and Folk Hero, Steals Pic-A-Nic Basket
     I was up north this weekend for Labor Day and minding my own business, eating some honey in the woods when I heard something coming through the underbrush.  It was a large bear, and he seemed like one of those friendly bears like the kind that rides a bike at the circus. 
     Well he came over and smelled that honey and he was all over it.  I fed him all I had, plus the two ham sandwiches and a whole box of Blueberry Nutri-grain bars I had in a basket.  This running out of food seemed to really irritate him cause he knocked me over and starting tearing the basket apart.  He was standing with both front paws on my chest bouncing up and down like this was going to make me produce more food or something.  I guess he got tired of shredding my shirt and clawing at me because he just wandered off and disappeared. 
     But I got the last laugh as I enjoyed the Snickers I had in my shorts pocket.  SUCKER!
 

Local Mother of Three Expresses Sadness with Simple Colon and Open Parenthesis
     Sad news indeed this week as we were all informed that the Halloween Party that has become as much a part of the holiday as bobbing for apples and fresh marzipan for the tots, will not be held this year.  This ill news arrived by way of the Electronic Mail with a subject that read: Halloween Party  :(
    
I was excited to see this message, but I paused before I opened it, seeing the symbol of mute sadness, a harbinger of unwanted news.  Indeed the body of the message also had an unsmiling ASCII face.  The worst was confirmed.
     I believe I shall have to find an alternate location to celebrate the coming of the All Hallows Eve.
     For a transcript of this sad email, click here.

Diversified Dynamics Switch to Green Soap a Big Hit
      For 8 years now, Diversified Dynamics has used the San-i-tech Pink Moisturizing Soap in all of it's Restrooms.  Last month after doing some detailed research, Custodian Ken Carlson made a switch.
     "I looked in the Allied Supply Company catalog and found out that, not only is the Dial Anti-Bacterial Green Soap $2.40 cheaper per gallon, but I can buy it in the 40 gallon cans which means I can by a pallet of 6 which qualifies us for a 4% discount!" Carlson exclaimed.
     DDC's Network Administrator Dave O'Brien, when asked what he thought about the change replied "uh...I hadn't really noticed".
 

 

Local Airline Somehow Manages To Suck Even Harder
   Northwest Airlines, in an attempt to wreck as many plans of business and vacation travelers as possible, began arbitrarily canceling flights days before their scheduled departure time. 
     "It's not enough to be profitable, we have to cause as much angst and discomfort to the local air traveler as we can" Jan Pullman, a spokesman for the airline said.
      The airline who is just emerging from bankruptcy, is in the middle of rolling out plans that include in-flight pay toilets, and replacing the seats in coach with overhead hand straps.

Giant Mechanical Cat Destroys Local Girl's Bedroom
      When I came home from work, I couldn't believe my daughters room was a complete shambles.  I told her that her room had better be cleaned when I cam home from work.  I was ready to start dishing out the punishment when Grace told me that she had just finished cleaning her room when I giant robot cat kicked the door in and began to mess her room up.  She even had the presence of mind to do a sketch of the robot so it could be passed on to the proper authorities.  That is one smart kid!  I think I am going to take her out for  ice cream.
 

Area Man Eats Entire Goddamn Pumpkin Pie
     Despite pre-meal promises of "taking it easy" on the desert tray, Minneapolis resident James Gorney wound up eating an entire Goddamn pumpkin pie at this years family Christmas gathering.

It was weird, he just kept taking pieces of pie, one after the other.  Said one witness who wished to remain anonymous on the off chance of receiving an invitation to Mr. Gorney's Hilton Head SC Timeshare.

     "He was telling this story about a pair of tennis shoes he has had for like 20 years.  I just kept nodding and making like I was listening to the story, but I was really just sitting there thinking 'no way is he going to take another piece of pie'.

But indeed, he did eat piece after piece of pumpkin pie until it was gone.  The value of the pie is being estimated at $6, not including whipped topping.


 

Area Youth Terrorizes Neighborhood Cul-De-Sac with Reign of "ity-bitty-lawn-jobs"
     Vandalism is a crime that is taken seriously in Anoka County.  But when police were called to the residence of Dave O'Brien on a report of malicious property damage, it wasn't skid marks on the lawn from a toy car they thought they were going to see.
     The Sheriff's Department is not going to pursue charges against anyone in the case.  "It really isn't that bad.  Nothing that watering for a week wouldn't fix."
     Mr. O'Brien doesn't see it that way.  "I went out to get the paper and the lawn looked like someone had torn it up with a garden weasel or a golf cart or something.  I can't prove anything, but I think that neighbor kid Zach tore it up with his little battery powered "Speed McQueen" car.  I guess I shouldn't have yelled at him to stay off my lawn.  


 

Dead Cat Moves to Number One On The Worst Gifts List
     So I open the box, and I am thinking "I am way too old for a stuffed animal" but it isn't stuffed.  It's a dead cat!   OMG!  And it smelled too!  I don't know where he got it or why he gave it to me, but I hope Uncle Dave does not get my name in next year's Christmas Drawing.


 

Study Shows Workplace Binge Drinking Increases 900% Between November 22 and 23rd
     If you are in the neighborhood of Hiway 65 and 93rd, let me recommend a party for you.  The Engineering departments pre-Thanksgiving party has no equal.  There are midgets and fire trucks and blackjack and kegstands and hookers and banana daiquiris!


 

Father of Two Blames Carbon Dioxide Leak for Drowsiness, Loss of Motor Skill
     While others around him enjoyed some games, good food and the company of family and friends, Ted Cmiel, 39, was overcome by a wave of drowsiness that eventually lead to unconsciousness.
     Despite being the only person above the age of 2 who seemed affected, Scmiel said "that house is a ticking timebomb" and he would not return until carbon monoxide detectors were installed.

Twins React to "Biggest Fan's" Disappointment
     After getting off to a great start sweeping the Baltimore Orioles to open the 2007 Major League Baseball season, the Minnesota Twins did not maintain that pace for long.
     "They split a weather shortened series with Chicago, they lost 2 out of 3 to the Yankees at home, but I figured hey, the Devil Rays are coming to town". commented Dave O'Brien.  "They can sweep or at least take 3 out of 4 from them".
   The Twins split the 4 game series which included Johan Santana's first home loss since June 2005, and reliever Joe Nathan giving up two runs in the 9th to lose game 4.
     Centerfielder Torii Hunter was visibly uncomfortable when asked if he heard that Dave was angry. "Oooh...yeah...sorry about that.  I mean...we are really going to start to hustle out there Dave and I swear it will not happen again". 
     Dave, while heartened to hear the teams reaction, still finds the situation "completely unacceptable" and remains pissed.
 

 

Insurance Juggernaut Recoups 2005 Hurricane Season Losses In One Day
     State Farm Insurance Company lost billions of dollars in 2005 due to an unusually strong hurricane season, which included the devastating Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita.  With shareholders left holding the bag, the company has no choice but to explore ways to recoup the staggering number of claims paid.
     When Area Resident Dave O'Brien put in a claim for roof and siding damage, he felt confidant that the insurance company to whom he had been paying premiums, without a claim, for 14 years would stand up and do the right thing.  "Boy, that was a stupid thought" said O'Brien "they said the damage was not the result of the high winds that pummeled the roof with golfball sized hail, but it was the result of an "installation defect". "I told them I was going to to switch companies, but the adjuster said if I did he would come back and tie my wife to the train tracks".
     When reached for comment on the situation, a State Farm representative replied "Muhwha-ha-ha!".  

Accolades Continue for This Cinderella Story
Young Upstart Website!

Besides being IS0-2001 certified, and a JD Power and Associates Best in Class Award Winner, do.com has been named the MackBird.com Web Site of the Month for June 2006.  

 

Cycle of Robot Violence Continues
     Civic leaders are calling for calm among the cites robot community after this weekend's unusually high number of incidents of robot fights. Tempers flared as high temperatures fueled sporadic outbursts around the city, ranging from robot fist fights to looting of several local liquor stores. With temperatures expected to remain above normal for the remainder of the week, residents are cautioned to stay clear of groups of robots and call 911 if any suspicious behavior is observed.
     Critics say these violent matches, often ending in contestants head being knocked off, attract large crowds and encourage drinking and gambling.  Leaders in the robot community counter that these fights are just a part of their culture and are more concerned about overly aggressive police tactics. One robot who declined to be named for this story was quoted as saying the police can "bite my shiny metal ass".
 
Families Shock, Disbelief, and Finally Acceptance of Marriage News
A move that stunned most last weekend, in a whirlwind of spontaneity, Mark Simpson founder of mackbird.com, grabbed his gal (my niece Mrs. Mark Simpson), and fled to Fabulous Las Vegas, donned a white sequined Elvis jump suit, and got married.  For full details, check out: www.mackbird.com/MIG/07-26-06.htm
 

** RETRACTION: **
    
The editors of do.com would like to apologize to the family of Mr. and Mrs Brian Smith.  We originally reported that Mrs. Jennifer Smith was carrying a delicious rotisserie chicken but it turns out we were incorrect.  Mrs. Smith was in fact carrying twin boys and gave birth last week.
     Twin boys Harry Patrick and Vincent Something Smith were born on or around August 10th in Coon Rapids, MN.  Both mother and children are doing well, despite having to put up with dad's projectile vomiting and other cholera-like symptoms.
     We express the deepest apologies for this inaccuracy but do admit that now we are hungry for garlic seasoned new potatoes.
     Click to read the Original Story

Local Solar System Member Becomes Latest Corporate Downsizing Victim
     Solar System member and long time planet Pluto was dismissed on Thursday after the International Astronomical Union went through a round of "down-sizing".
     Peter Van Derweir, spokesman for the IAU said that the reductions were a necessary measure in light of recent economic realities. "Times are tough out there in intra-stellar space and we were required to make some hard decisions to keep the Solar System profitable. Because you have been on the job since the early 1930's does not entitle you to a paycheck. Please bear in mind that this move should in no way reflect upon the fine job that Pluto has done in the role as our ninth planet for the past 75 years."
     While Pluto's future plans are in doubt, it has been reported that the former planet will pretend to maintain it's orbit around the sun from 9 to 5, but in actuality will hang out at the library or a local bar. "Yeah, I'll probably keep that up till my wife Charon figures out I got canned. I mean, what am I supposed to tell my kids? That I am a Trans-Neptunian object now? What the f*** is that? You ever see a help wanted sign for a Trans-Neptunian object?"
     Jupiter has expressed interest in taking Pluto on as it's 64th moon. "It would be an adjustment going from one of nine planets to one of 64 natural satellites. But hey, at least the light is better here and the work day is shorter".  
 

Why is this crocodile smiling?

"Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin Killed Unironically
     Fans expressed shock at the death of popular Discovery Channel Program host and Wildlife Conservationist Steve Irwin after being attacked by a stingray during a documentary shoot on the Great Barrier Reef.  Most expressed shock that the wild animal teasing that was the center of Mr. Irwin's show didn't kill him sooner.
     When asked, Boppi a 16 year old Australian Alligator at the Wildlife Safari Park said "This guy has been teasing us for years.  I say he got what he had coming to him."
     Another gator, who asked we not identify him by name added "You think I never tried to bite that guys leg?  He was just really quick.  I mean, I weigh like 1100 pounds and I got these little arms.  I wish I had a gotten shot at him in the water.  When I told Trudy what happened he laughed so hard he blew a chicken bone out of his nose.  Now that's funny".

Beard Thefts Rise 11% in Anoka County
     Department of Public Safety statistics released last month showed a fall in the rates of crime in virtually all areas for Anoka County, except for one.  Reports of random beard thefts showed a remarkable increase of 11% in 2006.
     Area Man Dave O'Brien learned about this statistic the hard way.  Wednesday October 25th started like any other day, except for one: he went to sleep with a beard, when he awoke it was gone.
     Mr. O'Brien has sported a goatee since December 1990.  "It was about that time I started to feel like I kind of had a pudgy, baby face.  Shortly after that while skiing at Afton Alps, a guy in the bar shouts at me 'Hey Pugsley, pass me the ketchup'.  This whole table of people exploded with laughter".
     It was at that moment, Mr. O'Brien's 16 year partnership with his beard began.  He vowed to never show his naked chin again.  It was a promise he had kept until he awoke to find his beard gone.
     "I don't know what this neighborhood is coming to...I mean to steal a man's beard while he sleeps is just wrong". 
     When asked if he planed on re-cultivating his sweet-ass beard he dejectedly answered "I don't know, it is just too soon.  I mean, I don't know if I could go through this again..."  
 

 

MN DoT Awards Sign Design Contract to Area Man
     Yellow caution signs are all around us.  We see them everyday whether we are in a crosswalk, or perhaps near a deer crossing area.  Several deaths attributed to the shock of $80 gasoline fill-ups last summer have prompted the Minnesota Department of Transportation to issue bids for the design of a new warning sign.  This sign will be displayed during the busy summer travel season when prices are expected to spike near the $3 a gallon price level.
      Design winner and local web entrepreneur Dave O'Brien when asked how he came up with the design simply said "I just tried to convey how it felt to fill up the RV last summer".


 

Area Deer Installed as Supreme Overlord and Potentate of Wisconsin
      In a surprising and legally binding move, the Wisconsin Supreme Court upheld an obscure provision in an 1843 treaty that specified a White Tailed Deer shall be made the "Supreme Leader" of the "territories east of the St. Croix River" covering Western Wisconsin.
     12 Point Buck and new leader Finiar the Stout stated at his first press conference "Yeah, there are going to be some changes around here..."

Area Man Stalks, and Kills Own Coniferous Tree For Seasonal Ritual Celebration
     While many view the cutting of a Christmas Tree a wholesome family tradition, others embrace it as an opportunity to give old mother Nature a round-kick to the head.
     Area Man Dave O'Brien takes it as an opportunity to get in touch with his more primal instincts.  "I don't hunt deer or pheasants.  But I never feel more alive than when I am hunting a Frazier Fir."
     Mr. O'Brien admitted "these Northern Species put up a bit more of a fight than the tame ones from a Cub Foods parking lot.  But that's part of the fun though isn't it?" he said with a wink, his sawblade still dripping with sappy gore.  
 

Area Man Discovers Benefits of Coffee
Even though I am 38 years old I never really got into coffee because I always drank Mountain Dew which is good but I hate the fact it has so much sugar and that cant be good for you but what are you going to do because it really gets you going so my neighbor had me try a latte from Starbucks and man was it good so before you know it I am drinking lattes and espressos and just plain old black coffee at work and you know what man I am getting things done like never before and it is almost like my brain has a new gear I was not using and I can organize my projects and prioritize and get things done like never before its the best but I gotta go clean the garage now.
 

Area Woman Attempts to Open Christmas Gift With Her Mind
     Theresa Glauvitz, Princeton mother of two, surprised family members by unwrapping several Christmas gifts without touching them.
     Before this, the only thing I had used my "powers" for was making traffic lights turn green and willing punt returns for touchdowns.
 

 

Local Grandmother Entertains, Eats Children
     A Maple Grove Woman is being considered a "person of interest" in a string of child disappearances dating back to the late 70's.  A Flying Monkey close to the situation, who spoke under the condition of anonymity said "Look, I ain't never seen her eat a kid.  Could I see her doing something like that?  Oh yeah, I can totally see that happening".

Single? Canine? Looking For A Good Time?
     Hey, my name is Patkoke, I am a single, non-smoker, Peruvian Hairless, looking for companionship and possibly romance?  I like taking long walks in Aztec Ruins and chasing my tail.  If you are into a non-traditional look, take a chance and lets get together.  Plus, look at my package...I mean, pretty nice right?  Yeah, you know you like what you see.
 

 

Twinsfest Comes To Town
     The 2006 American League Central Division Champion Minnesota Twins are holding their annual TwinsFest!  It gives the fans a chance to take part in games, autograph sessions and mix with the players. 
     Here's a shot of Andover resident little Davy O'Brien getting his picture taken with Twins perennial Gold Glove Centerfielder Torii Hunter .

Scientists Baffled As East Bethel Man's Penis Goes Missing
     After sitting down and watching American Idol for the 8th consecutive week, East Bethel resident and family man Brian Smith was alarmed to discover his penis had mysteriously disappeared.
     "I  watched American Idol with my wife just like we do every Tuesday night.  We Tivo it so we can skip past the commercials and not miss a second!  When I woke up the next morning...I was like a Ken doll...nothing down there."
     Experts are theorizing that prolonged exposure to shows such as American Idol, foods like Yoplait French Vanilla yogurt, and driving cars such as a Chrysler Sebring or Honda Passport can disrupt natural hormone levels in a man causing the body shed its unneeded apendages.
     Mr. Smith was hoping to have his man-bits back for the weekend, but with a Lifetime Channel Gilmore Girls Marathon coming up, it would seem doubtful.
 


 

Point / Counterpont: Daylight Savings Time
Point: Chance Lindon, 20, Student
I simply adore the ritual of Spring Daylight Savings Time.  To me, it means the  ushering in the Spring season!  It means a renewal of the seasons and a rebirth from the cold wintry days.  The loss of an hour of sleep is a small price to pay for the start of the boy watching season!  Ooooh - watch me, I'm bad!
     

Counter-point: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, 43, Al-Qaida Mastermind
Daylight Savings...yes, I hadn't much thought about it.  But I guess I am against it.  I am busy enough plotting to overthrow the infidel's governments without losing an hour of sleep.  Yeah...come to think of it, I might have heard the CIA Goon Squad beating down my door if I had some more sleep.  I guess Daylight savings is another plot of the Zionists.  Yes, this Daylight Savings is a terrible idea.

daveobrien.com To Enter New Marketing Partnership
     Plans for a partnership between daveobrien.com and the E! Television Network were unveiled today. A spokesman for E!, along with a smiling Mr. O'Brien said "We are proud to announce the addition of of Dave O'Brien to the series "Girls Next Door". "Internet entrepreneur Dave O'Brien is in the perfect demographic we were looking for".
     It is unclear where Mrs. O'Brien was for the news conference.

 
Yeah...I know Kermit the Frog
I got the chance to meet Kermit the Frog a few summers ago when I was in Chicago on business.  The Muppets were promoting their new movie and they were staying at the Chicago O'Hare Hyatt.  They made quite an entrance, with the waving of their arms, yelling and all those chickens that Gonzo dates or whatever.  Later in the hotel bar, I got a chance to talk with Kermit, and I will tell you what, that is one little bitter green motherf-er.  I guess after Jim Henson died, his kid who runs the show restructured all of their contracts and they are barely making ends meet.
     I felt kind of bad, so I ended up buying him like 8 Dewar's and Waters and we wound up at a strip club.  Did I mention that is one foul mouthed frog?  I have never seen anyone smacked so many times by strippers.  I pulled him out of there before there was any serious trouble, but he ended up puking in the limo.  I felt bad for whoever had to clean up that stinky mess of flies and scotch.  I got him back to his room and didn't see him again, but I did get a nice autographed photo in the mail. 
     The whole incident makes me wonder if Animal is just a really hairy guy with a coke problem.
 

Restraining Order Sought Against Area Man
Attorneys for PGA Star Tiger Woods were in Minneapolis District Court on Monday seeking a restraining order against over-enthusiastic fan Dave O'Brien.
     Robert Walth, attorney for Mr. Woods, when asked about the requested court order, replied "Mr. O'Brien's repeated and annoying intrusions into my clients life have got to come to an end. Mr. Woods has been subjected to repeated visits, telephone calls, emails, packages, and general stalking. It has come to a point where my client is fearful for the safety of not just himself, but his family".
     When asked about the proceedings, Mr. O'Brien exclaimed "Did you talk to Tiger? Ask him if he liked the portrait I had done"!

Area Woman to Give Birth to Delicious Rotisserie Chicken
East Bethel resident and prodigious procreator Jennifer Smith thought she was having a normal summer. While for the past eight summers, it is normal for Mrs. Smith to be with child, this year is turning out a little different.  During a routine prenatal checkup, ultrasound technician Gina Anderson was unable to explain what she was seeing. 
     "It appears that instead of the twin boys we thought Mrs. Smith was carrying, it is actually some kind of poultry, probably a chicken".  Doctors later confirmed it is a 4 pound Kenny Rogers Oven Roasted Rotisserie Chicken.  While it is still unclear how this is possible, doctors are certain there is some kind of sidedish behind the left drumstick. 
     "We know it's there, we just cant tell what it is yet.  My money is on Garlic Seasoned New Potatoes". 

Howdy Neighbor!
We got a new neighbor a few weeks ago.  I just got a chance to say hello for a brief moment this morning.  I think he said his name was Bob, Bob Fett I think he said.  I gathered he is a bachelor, and works as a bail recovery agent or something like that.  He was in quite a rush, so I didn't get much of a chance to talk.  I just hope he keeps the lawn up and doesn't throw too many loud parties!  Ah, the bachelors life.  I know he has just moved in, but I just hope he doesn't expect us to look at those blocks of Carbonite in his driveway all summer.
 

Trophy Wife Search Nearing Completion 
The final rounds of this week's Trophy Wife Search brought Dave to the Great North Woods of Wisconsin. He had an opportunity to meet and greet many strong candidates, none as strong as college Junior Tiffany Theisen of Chippewa Falls Wisconsin.
     "She had many of the qualities I am looking for in a Trophy Wife". Dave said "You know this is not strictly a beauty contest, I am in a sense looking for the woman who will become the step-mother of my daughter here".
     The current Mrs. O'Brien's only comment to this largely insulting affair was "Yeah good luck, if he can catch one of them he can have them".

Birthday Party for daveobrien.com Founder "Off the Hook"
Dave O'Brien, Founder and Chief Editor of daveobrien.com, is 38 today and the weekend party thrown for him is just winding down.  "I never thought we would have that kind of turnout.  That got out of hand really quickly".  One of the party organizers Randall Knight, long time friend and frequent contributor to do.com commented "we really stepped it up a notch this year.  I saw a guy on fire, and some horses, and I killed a guy with a trident!"  Dave exclaimed "I saw that!  Yeah, I think we are going to keep it a little more low profile next year.  This is setting up some pretty impossible standards for the 2008 40th Celebration".
 
St Pats feels the effects of "The Smith Population Bomb"
The demands of a growing parish are sometimes more than the community can bear.  "As the ranks of the new born thru pre-school age demograhic expand, certain parish services cannot be maintained at their current level".  said Terry Scherer, Deacon at St. Patrick's Catholic Church.  "Some people see parish services like a "Give a Penny/Take a Penny" tray at the store.  There are some who feel it's OK to keep taking pennies till the tray is empty" he added as a thinly veiled reference to the closing of the Nursery during church services.  "I am not in a position to tell people how many children to have, but even as a Catholic I look at some families and say 'Come on, enough already'"!
 
Our Latest Venture
As part of the diversification of the daveobrien.com empire, we are pleased to announce our partnership with VISA.  You can apply today for your daveobrien.com Platinum Miles Plus Double Rewards Zone VISA Card. Start earning double points from the first time you use it.  Despite the 16 pages of 6 point fine print, no reason not to apply today!

Satanic Hell Hound appears to worship "Snausages"
"I originally came to this planet with plans of domination, you know subjugation of the human race and that whole deal. Till I had my first Snausage. I mean, have you ever tried these things? From that day it was like game over. You want me to wear the little collar and wag my tail...whatever. Just keep those Snausages coming."
 

Used Car Sales...Is it a career for you?
Ask my nephew Ben Weis. He works for Johnson's Chevy/GMC in Dairyland, WI.  He was top salesman for his district for Quarter 3 2005, garnered the coveted Freidman Trophy for customer satisfaction, and is the only nine year old I know who has a Chase Platinum Miles Credit Card.
 

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