President Trump Confused by Lack
of Tweets
Many have criticized President Trump for his incessant
Tweeting, both for
the number and the caustic nature of many of those Tweets.
In an unprecedented move on Tuesday...
A New Entry in the Dog/Guy
Roster.
One of the things I have done that got the most
positive feedback was the Bob Seger/Springer Spaniel pic.
Celebrity Dogs I
found the next entry - this Whippet is a ringer for
(irony) Snoop Dogg.
Area Birthday Goes Off
Unnoticed...Mostly
Sandwiched between the
assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby
Kennedy, I was born. 5/22/1968. Shocking.
It does not seem that long ago that I was celebrating
the nation's Bicentenial by smashing cap-gun caps with a
rock because it was the closest thing to firecrackers I
had. Or skinny-dipping in the gravel pits of Maple
Grove after drinking warm Moosehead beer. At least
I'm not turning 50.
Local Baby Thrown Out Rounding
Second Base.
After a leisurely meal of
strained turkey and vegetables, area 8 month old Tommy
Thorson thought he had the green light to go "all the
way" with babysitter and family friend Claire Pearson.
It turns out he did not. While making his "move",
Tommy's dinner tried to make a reappearance, thus
ruining the moment.
"I just don't know when I am going to get another
chance at it. Why did I have to try and finish the
whole jar?"
Amphibian Nuptials Marred by
Doubt
In the Indian village of Dupeuri, an Area Frog married
not just for himself, but to appease the Hindu earth
goddess Rigveda, for a healthy growing season.
Although honored to be chosen, he couldn't shake the
feeling that things were moving too fast. Just a
few short months from losing his tadpole tail, here he
was getting married. Sure he loves his bride, but
what had he accomplished so far. So much to do and
accomplish before he settles down. But the festival
plans are finalized so I suppose I better sell my guitar
and go through with this thing...
A Call to Increased Canine
Vigilance
Cats, man. They are everywhere. Always
sneaking around, looking at your stuff, plotting to take
your favorite couch spot. "Ooh everyone, look at
me! I can get up on the refrigerator!" Well
big deal. Where are you when the 4 year old
neighbor kid comes over? Yeah...you better get on
that fridge.
I'll tell you what. You ever get those claws
taken out and that will be a day of reckoning.
Yeah...balance of power will shift.
Area Varmints Take Notice!
The red squirrel menace has begun to be dealt with in
the greater Hubbard County area. Resident Jamie
Miller has successfully lobbied the Hubbard County Board
to modify their rodent policy. For years, the
county offered residents a .25 cent bounty for gopher,
red squirrel and other destructive rodents.
"Mrs. Miller began to contact us last winter to discuss
this policy. I thought she was going to press for
removing the bounty policy. Turns out she wanted
the bounty increased" said Board member Tom Winters.
"I got them up to $1 a piece!" Miller said slowly
raising her riffle towards a White Oak tree just outside
her kitchen window.
Cities Begin to Remove
"Hippy-stink" from Public Areas
As spring arrives, it's more than just the smell of
daffodils and petunias downtown visitors are smelling.
It has been described as smelling like an old gym sock,
dipped in patchouli oil that got left in the back of
your locker over Easter break.
City employees armed with powerwashers have been
attempting to clean the public areas where the Occupy
movement had setup last year. The 99% apparently
left areas of downtown smelling 100% like dirt that has
been f#@%ed by a hobo. God speed powerwashers...God
speed.
Area Man Embraces German Holiday
Tradition
I used to get Christmas time visits from
Krampus. He
would beat me with sticks and chains, threaten that he
would put me in his wicker basket and return to hell
with me. But every year, he would come back with the
whole "Are you kidding me? Last year you promised to be good!".
One year he even put me in the basket and hauled me over to
Ricky Olsen's house to have Ricky beat the tar out of
me in a failed attempt at reform. Kind of an
Ecclesiastical Scarred Straight program.
But the next year he would come back with that
disappointed look on his demonic face, carrying a list
of naughty things I had done. Well, we finally
agreed to disagree and that was the last I saw of
Krampus.
When asked if this was an accurate account of his trips
to Davy's house in the 70's, "So help me God, that
kid..." was all he would say, placing his black, scaly
forehead in his hands.
Area Man Rethinks Sports Wagering
After leading by 24 points with
0:39 seconds left in the fourth quarter, the Washington
Redskins were shocked as the Philadelphia Eagles made
shocking 28 point comeback in the greatest come from
behind win in the NFL's history.
"I had already changed the channel" said NFL Wagering
Enthusiast Dave O'Brien. "I mean, how is that even
possible to score that many points on one play"?
The League confirmed that it was indeed a Philadelphia
victory, and that it did not even want to "discuss the
matter any further" leading to speculation of wrongdoing
on the officials part.
"F&@% that" O'Brien muttered "where am I going to come
up with seven grand before Tuesday?" nervously looking
over his shoulder.
Company Golf Outing a "Smash" Hit
After making the turn at the
2011 Diversified Dynamics Golf Tournament, Dave O'Brien
held a 7 stroke lead sitting at -3 under par. 2nd
place holder Scott Bruggeman decided to make his move to
secure first place shortly there after.
Mr. Bruggeman plied Mr. O'Brien with 3 Jag-bombs,
several shots of Hot-Damn, 2 Purple Hooters, a vodka
gimlet and no fewer than 11 Bud Light Tall
Boys causing a slide from the lead at 3 under to a
distant last place +27 over par, some 30 shots off the
lead, causing him to fail to finish the round,
disqualifying him.
In addition to his last place showing, his 2011 Refuge
Season Membership was revoked. One of the staff
was quoted "How he filled that ball washer with vomit, I
will never know."
Hard Times Hit Many Veterans
With hard time affecting all
levels of society, none are hit harder than those who
have the least. With social benefits sometimes
being barely enough to make ends meet, some veterans are
forced out on the streets.
"When I served three tours on the DeathStar, I didnt
think I would come back home to this" said one angry
Stormtrooper we spoke to as he panhandled outside a
local spaceport.
So remember, to thank a veteran when you see them.
They all make sacrifices to keep us safe from the Rebel
Alliance.
NBA Star's Excitement Wows Fans
Everyone is aware of Kobe
Bryant's skills with a Basketball, but what they might
not know is how much excitement he can add to a victory
celebration.
Wednesday night after a thrilling 126 - 124 overtime
victory defeating the Boston Celtics, Kobe surprised and
thrilled fans by emitting a giant cloud of confetti,
sometimes referred to as a "Confartti".
"Now the first time it happened to me, I was pretty
freaked out. But I have learned to control it.
This is the first time in years I have been so excited
that it just sort of happened. It really fired the
fans up and so I don't mind that it happened."
An Open Letter to my Hair
Hi Hair. It's me Dave.
Just wondering what the deal is here. You're
really putting me in a awkward place. Are you
going to stick around or going to fall out? I
think it is unfair to leave me in limbo like this.
I have been cutting you short for so many years now with
the understanding that you were leaving. But now I
have grown you out to see where we stand. You used
to crush the cowlicks and weird hills and valleys under
your massive weight. Now there is this thinning
layer like a cattail marsh in the winter, with spots you
can see right through.
Now c'mon here, I think you owe me the courtesy of an answer.
Area DJ Puts the Cans Back On
Party goers agreed that Guest
DJ Dave O'Brien has still got it. After a 15 year
layoff, Dave setup the turntables and spun some mad
mixes.
"I was in the garage looking for my paint sprayer and I
came across my old DJ gear. So I set it up and
started playing some of my old favorites. My
neighbor came by with his 64oz thermal mug of Captain
Coke, and then some people down the block came over to
see what was going on. Before you know it, cars of
people start showing up, guys with kegs and this one
Mexican dude with a giant hookah.
"So I just keep on spinning tunes and hoping the cops
don't show up".
daveobrien.com To Unveil New
Mascot
With Fall right around the
corner, we have decided we need a mascot that
encompasses the energy of daveobrien.com (and occasional
lack thereof). With appologies to the Children's
Television Workshop, we anounce: The
Coffee-Monster!
Local Company To Provide
Complimentary Flu Symptoms
Trying to get an early jump on
the cold and flu season, local business, and full time
employer of Dave O'Brien, is offering, at no charge,
complimentary flu like symptoms.
"With the inevitable cold and flu season still months
away, we wanted to give our employees all the
opportunity to feel those flu symptoms right in the
middle of summer! You know, a low grade fever with
body aches and chills isn't just for the winter months."
a Human Resources representative said.
"For those who do not wish to participate in receiving
the flu shot, we would encourage them to reduce their
hand-washing and touch as many doorknobs as possible.
Will Mexico's prize catch 'La
Barbie' stand trial in U.S.?
MEXICO CITY — Clambering to proclaim victory after more
than three years of bloody narcotics warfare, Mexican
authorities paraded the American-born accused kingpin La
Barbie before the media Tuesday and offered abundant
details of her climb through the violent drug underworld
before his capture in a mountain dream house hideout.
While speculation surged that Mexico would deport Barbie
to stand trial in the United States, where she's still a
citizen, there was no immediate sign of action by Mexico
or the U.S.
National security spokesman Alejandro Poire described
Valdez-Villarreal as "highly dangerous," a reference to
his drug cartel's practice of beheading its enemies.
The accused drug lord "has one foot in the airplane
bound for the United States," the usually well-informed
El Universal newspaper reported.
It is unclear who will keep the assets of Barbie,
including 2.28 billion US dollars cash, several dream
cars, a massive wardrobe and several restaurants,
doctors offices, and a dream RV.
Suck It, Non-Daves! Further proof that It Kicks Total Ass being Dave™.
Sunday, August 1st, if your name is Dave, you could have
eaten for free at Famous Dave's Barbeque.
This sounds like a great deal, but what this means is
you have to dine with a bunch of insufferable know it
alls named Dave. So while their brisket cannot be
beaten, the conversation left something to be desired,
because I will not partake in a Dave event where I am
not the focus.
Bologna Sandwich Voted the
Official Sandwich of Anoka County.
In a close race with Fluffer-Nutter
Banana, the Bologna Sandwich was declared the "Official
Sandwich of Anoka County" on Friday.
The editorial position of daveobrien.com: "Everyone
knows that this sandwich encompasses the essence of
Anoka County. As a resident of Anoka County for
around 20 years, I agree. Nothing says doublewide,
with a combine in the front yard, and common law
marriage than bologna. But I wish they would have
taken a harder look at Fried Bologna".
Wisdom From a Mountain-Goat Sometimes it is good to get
perspective from a direction you don't normally travel.
This month, we will be getting advice, anecdotes and
home spun wisdom from the noble North American Mountain Goat.
Greetings bipeds. I am Nosratofor The Stout.
There are many things I have to tell you. First.
Do not call me Goat. This is an insult of the
highest order. Goats eat tin cans and are
attractions at petting zoos. I am a Bighorn Sheep.
Nobility where I come from. Sort of like your Army
Rangers. So don't call me a goat.
You know what I find funny? These bicycle
machines you call a mountain bike. I see fat man
riding a bike on a paved trail. How is this a
mountain bike then? Try sexing a ewe on the top of
1000 foot wall without losing my balance. And that
is after ramming my head against other males for my
right to sex them. Imagine having to make sex at
Boston emergency room after Yankees defeat Red Sox on
souvenir bat day. Must be the same thing.
And these players of your football games? This is
a joke. If you want to discuss concussions, your
hits are like paperbag popping. My hits are like
hand grenade. Makes me wonder how your kind has
become dominant species.
Oh advice? OK, live well, enjoy sunshine, take
the time to look around and appreciate the small things.
Yes. And of course make the sex, and smash
opponents with your head.
GOLD!
I always knew that 1/2 hour lesson at Highland Hills
would pay off.
Area Dog Benefits from Transplant
Research
It is amazing what they can do
with organ transplantation these days. My sister
in laws dog lost an eye when he was a pup, when he ran
into a tree. It has always been a little
unsettling looking at that one eyed dog. (Gigitty).
Well after receiving a call from the University of
Wisconsin Whitewater Veterinary School, my sister-in-law
took her dog in for what she thought was going to be a
prosthetic eye. Turns out she got more.
Dr. Bernhard Volderquist explains "We are able to take
the eye out of a human donor, and give it to a canine
subject. The dog will have virtually perfect
vision out of that eye after 6 weeks".
I just wished my sister-in-law would have warned me
before I came to visit.
Big-Headed Girl Ruins Holiday
Photo...Again
Christmas is a time for
families to get together, share the warmth of the
season. It can also be a source of frustration
when your niece's head ruins every group photo.
Local Resident Bored During
Religious Services
Oak Grove resident and sire to
many, many children Brian Smith, 43, was seen in a state
of restless boredom during a recent Sunday Mass at St.
Patrick's Catholic Church. Despite the fact, his
wife was providing accompaniment on the piano for the
service, and had been up very late canning salsa, and
had readied the children for church, Mr. Smith was still
unable to even draw upon what little manners the Good
Lord bestowed upon him to muster up even a look a
ambivalence.
When asked how he felt about his best fiends
boorishness and lack of manners, publisher of this site
Dave O'Brien said from home while watching ESPN NFL
GameDay in his underwear "It's really a disappointment".
Sweet, Sweet Obama Money Puts
Local Landscapers Back To Work
When Area Man Dave O'Brien
decided to do some landscaping work this fall, he had no
idea he would be getting some help from a family member.
Good old Uncle Sam.
On the day the landscapers were to begin work, a MN Dot truck
showed up and put a big sign in his front yard letting
the world know that there was Economic Stimulus money hard
at work, right in their own neighborhood.
"I had no idea this could qualify for Stimulus money.
Come to think of it, I didn't even ask for any money
from the state or federal government. But before I
knew it, two or three checks a day were showing up in my
mailbox. $103,000 here $278,000 there... it is
really starting to add up."
It is unclear how Mr. O'Brien's project was submitted
for approval or even why it qualifies for Stimulus
money.
"I guess it's official that the Democrats are back in
charge" Mr. O'Brien added with a wink.
Area Man Eats Entire Breakfast
Entree in .034 Seconds
Friend to the do.com and
renound speed eater Chip Gorney [chip-GORE-knee] while
relaxing on a family getaway to the great Southwest
consumed two large pancakes and a portion of the
accompanying fruit garnish in less than one second. An
incredible feat, without question. He has always been a
fast eater, but it should be noted that he usually saves
that kind of performance for Christmas or Thanksgiving.
You would think speed-eating with that kind of ferocity
would make a noise like knife on fork or the clatter of
fork against the plate, but it didn't. Witnesses say
they didn't really hear anything, but I did feel a rush
of air and then the plate was just empty.
When asked about this feat he shrugged,
raising the corners of his oversized mustache "I dunno,
I was just hungry I guess..." he replied, looking idly
at the end of his cigar.
Local Resident Succumbs to
Induced Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia
James Gorney, 56 of Minneapolis
died Thursday after a series of intense ice cream
headaches brought on by repeated exposure to "Wendy's®
Root Beer Floats" while at the Phoenix International
Airport.
One witness said "I saw him eat at least six of them.
He just kept eating them and putting the palm of his
hand against his forehead sighing "...ahhhhhhhh" and
then take another bite. Finally he just slumped
forward and hit the floor."
Family members, though saddened by this sudden loss,
were not all together surprised.
Area Dog
Catches Entire 9 Inning Wiffle Ball Game.
Despite having no opposable
thumbs and an extremely short attentions span, area dog
Greta O'Brien filled in as catcher for an entire 9
innings of a front lawn wiffle ball game last Saturday.
"Yeah you know, I felt pretty good back there. At
first it was a little awkward, but I fell into a rhythm.
Plus I got to smell a few butts in between pitches."
Owner Dave O'Brien commented "She called a pretty good
game. Plus, I have never seen a catcher who can
run from home to 2nd to tag out a base runner trying to
steal 2nd base".
Despite having caught 9 innings without an error, she
did go 0-7 at the plate.
Local
Company to Modify Its Benefits Package
Recent economic events have
caused many companies to look at restructuring of their
employee benefits package as a cost savings measure.
One local company, Cat Pumps - "The Pump With Nine
Lives" has replaced their traditional 401K employee
retirement savings plan with a once a year all you can
eat seafood and cocktail bar.
Employees quickly warmed to the change. "I wasn't
sure what to think at first, but after I saw the spread,
I was all for it. Sure, it may mean working as a
greeter at Wal-Mart when I'm 70, but did you see the
size of those shrimp? They were like your fist!"
*Cat Pumps and the
Cat Logo are registered trademarks of the Cat Pumps
Corporation. Cat Pumps has in no way
authorized or consented to the use of it's name or logo,
and has no affiliation with daveobrien.com, please don't
fire me.
Mickleson's Wife Diagnosed with
Breast Cancer. Not Funny.
ESPN.com has reported through an Associated Press
release that Phil Mickelson will be suspending his play
in PGA events due to his wife Amy's diagnosis of breast
cancer. The AP then got Tiger Woods to give his opinion
on the matter.
"Elin and I are deeply saddened to hear the news about
Amy," Woods said. "Our thoughts and prayers are with
her, Phil, the children and the entire Mickelson
family."
In a totally unrelated story it has been reported that
Arch Criminal 'The Joker' has been diagnosed with
testicular cancer. Batman was not immediately available
for comment.
Classic Painting in Need of Updating Starting in 1954,
when you turned 50, you were issued the classic painting
"Daily Bread" which grandparents everywhere (literally
everywhere) would hang on a wall in their home.
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with a guy from work
and he sees these two guys praying vigorously before
their mid-day meal at Chipotle.
It made me wonder where you draw the line on prayer. If
you open a Lunchables Bologna and American Cheese
Snacker, does this require giving thanks? How about
Cheetos at the bowling alley? How about a bag of
Skittles. I mean, let's not let this thing get out of
hand.
Class Action Suit Brought
Against Snack Cracker Maker
In briefings filed in Federal Court Monday, a class
action suit is underway against snack food giant
Nabisco. The suit alleges that the food conglomerate hid
the flavoring for it's brand of snack crackers "Chicken
In a Biskit" for over 40 years. The suit alleges that
the creation of the cracker's formula was not based on
chicken, but the smell of his 13 year old nephew Robby's
body odor.
Class action participant Dave O'Brien said "I always
thought they were supposed to taste like chicken. I
would have been happier knowing they were dog's feet
flavored, or eating some of that bad peanut butter".
Downturn in Economy Felt at
Super Bowl Party
The normally wild and extravagant Super Bowl party held
at the O'Brien Household was somewhat subdued this year.
The traditional fare of build your own Nacho Bar,
homemade guacamole, meatballs, and those little weenies
wrapped in bacon was replaced with a package of saltine
crackers and a single can of Sharp Cheddar Cheese Whiz.
"Well, even though we didn't put out the spread we
normally do, I think it went OK. Though I think it was a
little rude for everyone to leave before the end of the
first half" Dave said idly nibbling on a Triscuit
smeared with mayonnaise. "We didn't even get a chance to
break out the Kool-Aid popsicles I made in ice cube
trays".
Commonly Asked Questions
I thought it would be fun to answer some of the
questions that I am most frequently asked via email.
"Мастерство управления" - Sorry,
I have no idea what that means and while I do find you
attractive, I am a married man.
No, I do not wish to "add inches".
I am sure you do have the best prices on the Internet
for name brand pharmaceuticals, but I am just not in the
market, thank you.
The Pedi-Paws does sound like a great product and I
am sure that my dog wont mind having this buzzing sander
grind her nails, but I am going to stick to the old
fashioned clipper.
Your patch sounds like a great device to "avoid pills
and very painful szrgery", but again, I'm all good in
the bedroom department.
It is generous of
you to offer the winner of Monday Night Football
next week, and while it may be a "lock", I don't
really gamble on the NFL any more.
No, wholesale Lavitra,
not interested. Everything still works.
No, I don't want to
chat with hot women in my own town, even if they are
waiting for me to click here.
Making +30K per week on
eBay does sound like a great career, but I am quite
happy and I am going to stick with my current employer.
2.7% of children
are injured at birth, that is shocking, but I
think everything is good with my legal
representation.
Thanks for sending
me the movie of Angelina Jolie, but I never open
attachments from people I do not know.
Jesus, for the last
time all of you, my wiener is fine.
Area Holy Man Reportedly
'Like, A Total
Booze Hound'
I was at a get together with some people I used
to work with at a hotel bar, and who comes in but the Dahlia
Lama. The flowing robes, the majesty...striking.
So I keep buying him Tom Collins all night and I am
thinking he is going to impart some spirituality on me
or say something profound, but at the end of the night
he makes like he is getting ready to leave. I am
looking at a $230 bar tab and he thinks he is going to
just walk away?
So I say " Hey Dahli...how about...you know...a little
something for the effort. He turns to me and says
"Gung...Gunga-la-gunga" which means that upon my death
bed I will receive total consciousness. So I got
that going for me. Which is nice.
Plus he gave me a buy one get one coupon for Chipotle.
Area Web Entrepreneur Urged to
Keep Website Alive
At a rally this weekend, local
citizens, community leaders and celebrities came out to
encourage local web entrepreneur Dave O'Brien to
maintain his wildly popular web site "daveobrien.com".
"It has become a lot of work lately, with family
commitments and work projects, it just really hard to
put out a consistently amusing web site in a timely
manor." owner, operator Dave told reporters at a
rally Thursday.
"You know when you have people like Matthew McConahay,
Dale Earnhardt Jr., Hillary Clinton, and Kid Rock come
out and ask you to keep going, I guess it is pretty hard
to say no" Dave added just barley audible over the
crowds chants of
"Dog Balls! Dog Balls! Dog Balls!"
Area Man Injured by Plasma Cannon
Shooting
So I am out last weekend
with some friends at a local bar, minding my own
business, when who comes through the door? Master
Chief, yes the Master Chief and a bunch of his grunts.
I love Halo3 so I go over to buy him a drink and get a
picture. He orders a Bacardi and Diet Coke, and I
get a picture with him, and when the flash goes off, all of a sudden he whips out
a big gun and starts shooting this blue shit at these
guys playing darts.
Everybody starts screaming and running and there
are tables on fire and I think he killed one of the dart
guys. He mumbled something about he thought they
were Covenant. I am no doctor, but I think that
guy has some PTSD issues.
First
Annual daveobrien.com Bowling Invitational This weekend, the daveobrien.com
Invitational Bowling Open was held at the Andover Lanes in Andover, MN.
After a wild Saturday opening day, tournament leader Little Betsy
Snodgrass held the lead. Going into Sunday, she beat Earl "Little
Onions" Dupree with a 287 to capture the title and cash purse of $10,
minus her entry fee and a small handling charge.
Congratulations Betsy
from the entire crack daveobrien.com staff and we look forward to you
defending your title next year!
Area
Man Beaten With Chair at Local Bar Police are not
identifying a man who was involved in a scuffle that resulted in a trip
to the emergency room and 16 stitches.
The victim explained "I was waiting for the band to go
on, and I said something about how old Nikki on the Young and the
Restless is looking these days, whereas Victor seems to get better
looking the older he gets."
Witnesses say the unidentified Y&R fan picked up a
chair and swung it over her head bringing it crashing down on the
victim. She then jumped on him and began biting him on the forehead. It
took several bar patrons and a bouncer to subdue the woman till the
police arrived.
Farm Report
- By Our Agriculture Correspondent Huck "Corn-Boy" Weis
Six weeks of rain have flooded untold acres of corn fields in the U.S.
heartland, forcing farmers to abandon their crops. Corn for July
delivery rose 5.75 cents to settle at $7.09 a bushel on the Chicago
Board of Trade, after earlier rising to a new all-time high of $7.25 a
bushel. It was corn's sixth straight trading record in as many days.
Prices broke past the $7 barrier for the first time Wednesday.
Prices for the corn in the ground now jumped even
higher. Corn for December delivery soared to a record $7.55 a bushel on
the CBOT before falling back to settle at $7.395, still up 6.75 cents.
What does this mean for fresh corn on the cob? Bad news. Bad News
indeed.
Summer
Enters Full Swing - Nature Gets Biz-aey!
Summertime. It's not all bikinis and chicks in halter tops,
no. The honeysuckle is in full bloom and nature is doing what it
does best. Oh yeah. In the words of Cole Porter "Birds do
it, Bees do it, even educated fleas do it". And how. Check
out this sexy bumble bee on petunia action. Bow-chicka-bowwa.
Yeah baby!
Area Man Menaced by Latex Glove
So I am minding my own
business, trying to run some errands during my lunch
hour last week, when another reminder that I am 40 was
shoved in my face.
Outside of the Blaine Super Target, I am thinking about
toothpaste and 60 watt light bulbs when all of a sudden a
gust of wind swirls. As though animated by an
invisible hand, this purple exam glove rises up and
flutters toward me. I stop like a dog cornered by
an upright vacuum cleaner, unable to move, unsure if it
was going to perform an unauthorized routine medical
procedure on me or retreat.
The wind died down and I made a break for the store.
I didn't look back until I was safely behind the automatic
doors. It did not follow me in.
Honestly - I had just begun to get comfortable with
turning forty and now Dr. Pokeyfinger's henchman tries
to assault me. It is almost enough to make a guy
take care of his own medical procedures. (See
Below)
I Mean...What is that Thing?
Getting older means several things. Not the least
of which is having unidentified skin anomalies spring up every so often. Well last week I had a
"skin bump" that I scratched against a golf cart and it
began to bleed like it had been shanked in a prison
shower.
Long story short - two weeks later I am still opening
this thing up almost daily, so it has to go. Do I
call and make a doctors appointment? No way, who's
got time for that. Besides, co-pays are a tool of
The Man to keep me down. So I layout my Home
Surgery Kit in front on the bathroom sink and put my
game face on. Careful to give a liberal dousing of the
entire area with 91% isopropyl alcohol, I start in.
After several attempts, I am finally satisfied with my
handiwork. That's the good news. The bad
news is the bathroom now looks like the OJ / Bundy Ave.
Crime Scene.
So now the bleeding is, well, lets just say
manageable and the bathroom is presentable, and my
medical waste, including the offending bump, are sealed
in a plastic bag and in the outside garbage can.
Area Man Turns 40, Fails in Bid
to Eat 40 Pieces of Cake
During what is know as "The Power Hour", Birthday boy
Dave O'Brien attempted to eat a piece of "Lemon
Butterfluff White" cake for each year since birth.
Lawmakers, who very much want this dangerous practice
banned say this is exactly why the stunt should be
outlawed. State House Representative for District
48B Peggy Newhouse-Vandercleve said "Here you have a
forty year old man, trying to eat several thousand
calories, hundreds of grams of sugars and carbs, not to
mention the saturated fats. This kind of binge
party eating could be the trigger for a heart attack,
diabetes or stroke"
When asked, a clearly unsteady Dave replied "I
dunno, the last thing a remember was getting
up to piece number 30 something and I blacked out.
I am going to try and finish up before midnight, but I
don't know...I might throw up...why did it have to be
lemon?
Things I Shall Miss About
My Thirties As I turn forty this month,
I thought I would compile a short list of things I
will miss about being 30-something:
Choosing whether or not to
make a small fart when lifting heavy things
6 hour hangover recovery time
Not checking what is on HBO before deciding
whether or not to have sex
Not thinking about my 401K constantly
Worrying about crying baby, rather than what mouthy
pre-teen is up to
No 'pointer-finger' exams
High impact sports / activity
Remembering why I got up and went into the garage
Knowing how to set any VCR without help
Not bringing a 'light-jacket' everywhere
Not thinking all music is being played a little
too loud
Wearing t-shirt and shorts to work
Not being called 'sir' by punk behind the
counter
Not being called 'sir' by the arresting officer
fully digesting dairy products
caring if I look stupid checking the mail in
shorts, a winter jacket and flip-flops
No mandatory nighttime pee-pee trips
It was a good run.
Area Man Rues Rapid Ingestion of
Breakfast Cereal
So I am about to grab some
Raisin Bran and my daughter's Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries catches my eye.
So I grab a 2 quart Pyrex mixing bowl and empty the
contents of the jolly yellow box into it. I pour
the better part of a half gallon of milk on top and turn
the volume on SportsCenter up to a level that can be
heard above the rhythmic crunching.
Tasty? You bet. Nutritious? If you
believe the box which claims 17 essential vitamins,
minerals and is part of this complete breakfast.
One thing the box failed to mention, and my experience
of over 30 years as a cold cereal consumer failed to
remind me: Corn based
cereals have a similar texture and function as eating
220 grit sand paper nuggets.
Someone ought to sue that fake Captain and his
dangerous cereal. And what kind of rank is Cap'n
anyway? Was he in the Navy or is it some kind of
bar room nickname he has had since he was kicked out of
college for selling weed?
All I know is there should be a warning label or
something on that box, and "Stays Crunchy In Milk"
should not be a code for "Will Rent Flesh From Roof of
Mouth".
Paternity Suit Filed Against
Local Internet Entrepreneur
Documents files in Minnesota
District Court allege that Area Business Man Dave
O'Brien is the child's biological father.
Attorneys for a woman only being identified as Rachel,
say Mr. O'Brien had a brief relationship with their
client after a night of drinking and clubbing last New
Year's Eve.
When reached for comment, Mr. O'Brien exclaimed "I
never saw that broad before in my life! Do you
really think I would keep something like that a secret?
I mean come on!"
A Legacy
of Jackassary Lives On
A full six plus years after
leaving ADP Hollander for greener greens at the unnamed
national pre-swung golf equipment company, my legacy
lives on. I had a good friend and current employee
of the Information Empire Automatic Data Processing
forward an image from some online documentation.
Let me backup. After deciding to leave ADP, I
realized that those who I left behind would miss my
special brand of smart-ass humor and that I had better
bury a few well placed "easter-eggs" on the Intranet
site.
These easter eggs were images of the "Dog Balls Button"
from my favorite Onion article. Today, I received
a email from aforementioned friend stating she was asked
if this was an approved part of the documentation.
You bet your ass it is. Approved by
daveobrien.com (Click picture for full story)
Headless Tom Brady Named
Superbowl Starter
A press conference today
revealed good news and bad news for the New England
Patriots. Head coach Bill Belichick announced that
Quarterback Tom Brady's ankle was healing fine, and he
no longer needed to wear a boot to help mend his injured
ankle. The bad news is that Tom's head was
"knocked clean off" during a practice session Tuesday.
"Despite some obvious problems we will need to work
out, Belichick admitted, "We think Tom's body has what it takes to go all the
way".
With this announcement, Las Vegas odds makers lowered
the Patriots to a 3 1/2 point favorite over the New York
Giants.
Celebrity Dog Sightings
So I
was watching the Westminster Dog Show. I am a fan
of the Sporting Class, so I can see my favorites such as
the German Shorthair and Brittney Spaniel. Well on
comes this Irish Water Setter, and I think to myself:
"Wow. That dog really looks like Rick James."
So I put the crack do.com staff to work searching the
Internet for shots of the Irish Water Setter that look
like celebrities. Here is what I came up with.
Popular
Restaurateur Arrested at Animal Rights Rally
American Icon Ronald McDonald
found himself in the news again this weekend after
attempting to disrupt a rally organized by PETA, People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Witnesses
say that McDonald ran on stage, grabbing the microphone
and began shouting at the crowd. "He said
something about 'how many of you are wearing leather
shoes you hypocrites'.
It is alleged that McDonald then began to urinate on
the large PETA sign that was on stage before being
grabbed and wrestled off stage by security personnel.
He was latter taken into custody by Baltimore police,
last seen in the back of a police cruiser kicking at the
window with his giant red shoes.
"Dude's got issues" said security officer Mark Visell
shrugging.
National
Monument Vandalized
After undergoing a total of 425
million dollars of restoration over the past 20 years,
the Statue of Liberty was dealt a devastating blow this
weekend. National Parks Service employees arrived
on Liberty Island Monday morning to open the park for
some of the nearly 100,000 visitors, when they were
horrified to see the statues usual green exterior pitted
and blackened. "it was sort of leaning over a bit
too" Mark Scofield, Parks Service employee said.
"There is some real damage done here. You
maniacs!" Scofield repeated, shaking his fist towards
the sky.
Official investigators are asking for the public's help
in coming forward with any information regarding the
incident. At the center of the investigation is
what officials are referring to as a group "damn dirty
apes".
Area Bar Institutes New Restroom
Policy
After the raucous show performed by the Atomic Punks on
Saturday, the cleanup crew at Pov's Bar in Andover had
more than just a few empty glasses and some trash to
take out. Sometime between the hours of 12am and 2am
Sunday morning, someone vomited the into the first
urinal on the left in the men's room, leaving a mess
that required use of the rarely used garden hose/floor
squeegee cleanup method.
While it is unclear who exactly is responsible for this
act, clearly the individual was subjected to Mexican
food, Makers Mark Bourbon, a rum and coke, several
mystery shots of a purplish nature, and vast quantities
of tap beer.
John Lopez, who was tasked with spearheading the cleanup
said "honestly...you cant make it another 5 steps to the
toilet? I mean come on."
While the editorial staff of daveobrien.com condemns
this act, we must urge restraint in jumping to
conclusions, and finger pointing. We strongly believe
that the whole matter should just be forgotten, and not
talked about anymore.
Santa Issues Stern Warning,
Naughty Take Heed
Santa Claus. Kris Kringle. Father Christmas. Saint
Nicolas. A man with many names has a message for you.
Don't do your chores, give your mom some back talk,
smoke behind the garage - find out what happens.
"Nothing scares these kids anymore. They know they are
going to get a crap load of gifts come Christmas
morning. Back in the day, the promise a wooden wagon or
a doll was enough to keep a kid in line for months. Now
days, how am I supposed to compete with a Sony Wii?"
Santa assures everyone the "some things are gonna change
around here. A lump of coal is going to be the least of
your worries..."
Outsourcing Tech Job Increases Foreseen
Opponents of outsourcing
American tech jobs to the developing world whose claims
of irreparable harm to the economy were given something
to think about this week. Several India based tech
companies have themselves outsourced some programming
and help desk jobs to domestic animals.
Rajeed Anamabalapalagnati, a spokesman for the Chipp
Group of Jaipur India asks why the First World should be
the only ones who profit from outsourcing.
"American companies discovered that they can drive
profitability by farming certain functions to off shore
companies with greatly reduced labor costs. We
looked at this model and applied portions to our own
businesses. For instance, we contract with a US
telecommunications provider. Instead of a customer
waiting on hold, we can now offer an online chat with a
cat who can resolve many level one issues".
This feline outsourcing movement has caught the eye of
US based companies, who are piloting programs of their
own, several of whom have begun to recruit American cats
with Visual Basic, C++ and .NET programming experience.
Editorial
An Open Letter to my Underwear
Hey underwear. So what's
the deal? I thought we had an agreement here.
I have been holding up my end of our arrangement.
Wear only once, then wash. No using the pee-pee
flap in the front, unless it for emergency access for
scratching. And no using you to wipe down the
shower before throwing you in the dirty clothes.
You on the other hand have seemed to forgotten you have
responsibilities in this relationship. You have
gone against both the spirit and the letter of our
agreement on several occasions recently. When I
took you off last night, you looked like the Jib Sail of
an 18 century schooner. Good thing I was indoors,
or a stray gust of wind could have picked me up like a
parasail. Not to mention the frequent and
disquieting incursions into forbidden areas (commonly
referred to as wedgie creep). In addition, I have
also been subjected to one documented case of accidental
peek-a-boo. Need I say more?
In closing, don't take this as a threat, but if these
incidents repeat, I will have no choice but to explore
other avenues of under clothing.
Study Finds Worldwide Poor
Population More Ripped Than Previous Generations
Rutgers University released a
study on global poverty this week. While the
number of poor has increased, the number of people above
poverty grew at over three times that rate.
Globalization, as well as the export of manufacturing
industry to the Third World are major contributors.
As interesting as these findings are, something more
intriguing came out of the study; A lot of poor
people are just plain ripped. Apparently shoveling
coal for 14 hours a day is great for the upper body and
legs. Using a machete to cut sugar cane can give
you tone and definition better than any Nautilus machine
can. If you look at photos of poor people from the
turn of the previous century, everyone looks hollowed
out and gaunt. Today's super-poor look as though
they could kick your head clean off.
Area Man Shuts Down Local
Fireworks Display
Residents of Oak Grove,
Andover, Cedar, and other surrounding northern
communities look forward to the St Patrick's Country
Fest each year. It is a good way for the community
to show support for St Pat's and enjoy some wholesome
family fun.
After a day of playing games, eating fair food, and
checking out the classic cars, the festival is topped
off by a fireworks display that normally delights the
attendees. This year was different however.
An Area Man shut down the fireworks
show just as it was getting underway. Donning a
Fire Chief Helmet, Self Appointed Fire Chief Dave
O'Brien stormed the fireworks staging area and declared
conditions "unsuitable" for a fire works display.
"I though is was a joke"
asid Jim Holdinger, fireworks safety supervisor for
Holdinger Displays. "This guy in a plastic kids fire
hat marches up and starts raving how it is too windy and
he was shutting us down. I started to laugh, but
then I saw he was serious."
O'Brien defended his position saying "That place was a tinder box, one
spark and she goes up like pile of gasoline soaked
straw".
Anoka County Serial Impregnator
Strikes Again
Local man Brian Smith (pictured
left) and his lovely wife are expecting. You might
think they would give it a rest after giving birth to
twin boys August 2006, but no. With six children
under the age of 9, why stop now?
As the great Groucho Marx once said "I like my cigar,
but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while."
When mutual acquaintance James Gorney was informed of
the Smith's impending addition he exclaimed, and I quote
"What? You have got to be shitting me. Jesus
Christ! Doesn't he know about Global Warming and
shit?"
The staff of daveobrien.com extends it's best
wishes to the expecting couple in their quest to have
more children than the Waltons and Bradfords combined.
Guest Editorial: Don't Interrupt
Me When I am Eating Corn
By Henry Weis, Andover MN
I love corn. It's true. I don't care if it
is frozen, from a can, creamed style, whole kernel,
fresh from the field or out of the freezer, I'll eat it.
I have never tried silage, but I'll bet if you put
butter and salt on it, I could eat it.
With that said, I do have a favorite. Corn
grilled in the husk is the best. So you can
imagine how I feel around harvest time. All you
can eat corn on the cob, it's the best.
So if you see me at a church festival or county fair up
to my elbows in melted butter, don't bug me. Even
if you are a hot chick that wants to talk to me; go
away. Can't you see I am eating corn? You
want a hug? I don't care! Get away till I am
done with the corn. You want me to go to the Sadie
Hawkins dance with you? Great, lets discuss it
sometime when I don't have access to all the corn on the
cob I can eat. Damn!
Even though it should be obvious to everyone, now you
know. Don't interrupt me when I am eating corn.
Iraqi Defense Forces Undermined By Insurgent Trained
Humping Dogs A recent review of the troops by
Iraqi Defense Forces, meant as a show of strength to
bolster their standing with the Iraqi people, ended
badly. In the midst of a speech regarding the readiness
of his units to relieve
American soldiers, General Ali Ew Faquadi's troops were
attacked with a new weapon in the enemies arsenal: Giant
Humping Dogs.
Large Sheppard mix breed dogs began jumping on soldiers
and officers alike, wrapping their gangly legs around
whoever was nearest and humping them to the ground.
A witness to the event speaking with anonymity said
"Yeah, these were some really big dogs, and they were
humping like mad. The general tried to keep speaking
like nothing was happening, which is crazy, because
everywhere you looked, there were these dogs going to
town on everyone!"
Attempts to counter this new threat are made difficult
as it is hard to find a pail of cold water to throw when
it is 115 degrees in the shade.
Bear Attacks Area Internet
Entrepreneur and Folk Hero, Steals Pic-A-Nic Basket
I was up north this weekend for
Labor Day and minding my own business, eating some honey
in the woods when I heard something coming through the
underbrush. It was a large bear, and he seemed
like one of those friendly bears like the kind that
rides a bike at the circus.
Well he came over and smelled that honey and he was all
over it. I fed him all I had, plus the two ham
sandwiches and a whole box of Blueberry Nutri-grain bars
I had in a basket. This running out of food seemed
to really irritate him cause he knocked me over and
starting tearing the basket apart. He was standing
with both front paws on my chest bouncing up and down
like this was going to make me produce more food or
something. I guess he got tired of shredding my
shirt and clawing at me because he just wandered off and
disappeared.
But I got the last laugh as I enjoyed the Snickers I
had in my shorts pocket. SUCKER!
Local Mother of Three Expresses
Sadness with Simple Colon and Open Parenthesis
Sad news indeed this week as we were all informed that
the Halloween Party that has become as much a part of
the holiday as bobbing for apples and fresh marzipan for
the tots, will not be held this year. This ill
news arrived by way of the Electronic Mail with a
subject that read: Halloween Party :( I was excited to see this message, but I paused
before I opened it, seeing the symbol of mute sadness, a
harbinger of unwanted news. Indeed the body of the
message also had an unsmiling ASCII face. The
worst was confirmed.
I believe I shall have to find an alternate location to
celebrate the coming of the All Hallows Eve.
For a transcript of this sad email,
click here.
Diversified Dynamics Switch to
Green Soap a Big Hit
For 8 years now,
Diversified Dynamics has used the San-i-tech Pink
Moisturizing Soap in all of it's Restrooms. Last
month after doing some detailed research, Custodian Ken
Carlson made a switch.
"I looked in the Allied Supply Company catalog and
found out that, not only is the Dial Anti-Bacterial
Green Soap $2.40 cheaper per gallon, but I can buy it in
the 40 gallon cans which means I can by a pallet of 6
which qualifies us for a 4% discount!" Carlson
exclaimed.
DDC's Network Administrator Dave O'Brien, when asked
what he thought about the change replied "uh...I hadn't
really noticed".
Local Airline Somehow Manages To
Suck Even Harder
Northwest Airlines, in an attempt to wreck as many plans of
business and vacation travelers as possible, began
arbitrarily canceling flights days before their
scheduled departure time.
"It's not enough to be profitable, we have to cause as
much angst and discomfort to the local air traveler as
we can" Jan Pullman, a spokesman for the airline said.
The airline who is just emerging from bankruptcy,
is in the middle of rolling out plans that include
in-flight pay toilets, and replacing the seats in coach
with overhead hand straps.
Giant Mechanical Cat Destroys
Local Girl's Bedroom
When I came home from work, I couldn't believe my
daughters room was a complete shambles. I told her
that her room had better be cleaned when I cam home from
work. I was ready to start dishing out the
punishment when Grace told me that she had just finished
cleaning her room when I giant robot cat kicked the door
in and began to mess her room up. She even had the
presence of mind to do a sketch of the robot so it could
be passed on to the proper authorities. That is
one smart kid! I think I am going to take her out
for ice cream.
Area Man Eats Entire Goddamn
Pumpkin Pie
Despite pre-meal promises of "taking it easy" on the
desert tray, Minneapolis resident James Gorney wound up
eating an entire Goddamn pumpkin pie at this years
family Christmas gathering.
It was weird, he just kept
taking pieces of pie, one after the other. Said
one witness who wished to remain anonymous on the off
chance of receiving an invitation to Mr. Gorney's Hilton
Head SC Timeshare.
"He was telling this story
about a pair of tennis shoes he has had for like 20
years. I just kept nodding and making like I was
listening to the story, but I was really just sitting
there thinking 'no way is he going to take another piece
of pie'.
But indeed, he did eat piece after piece of pumpkin
pie until it was gone. The value of the pie is
being estimated at $6, not including whipped topping.
Area Youth Terrorizes
Neighborhood Cul-De-Sac with Reign of "ity-bitty-lawn-jobs"
Vandalism is a crime that is taken seriously in Anoka
County. But when police were called to the
residence of Dave O'Brien on a report of malicious
property damage, it wasn't skid marks on the lawn from a
toy car they thought they were going to see.
The Sheriff's Department is not going to pursue charges
against anyone in the case. "It really isn't that
bad. Nothing that watering for a week wouldn't
fix."
Mr. O'Brien doesn't see it that way. "I went out
to get the paper and the lawn looked like someone had
torn it up with a garden weasel or a golf cart or
something. I can't prove anything, but I think
that neighbor kid Zach tore it up with his little
battery powered "Speed McQueen" car. I guess I
shouldn't have yelled at him to stay off my lawn.
Dead Cat Moves to Number One On
The Worst Gifts List
So I open the box, and I am thinking "I am way too old
for a stuffed animal" but it isn't stuffed. It's a
dead cat! OMG! And it smelled too!
I don't know where he got it or why he gave it to me,
but I hope Uncle Dave does not get my name in next
year's Christmas Drawing.
Study Shows Workplace Binge
Drinking Increases 900% Between November 22 and 23rd
If you are in the neighborhood of Hiway 65 and 93rd,
let me recommend a party for you. The Engineering
departments pre-Thanksgiving party has no equal.
There are midgets and fire trucks and blackjack and
kegstands and hookers and banana daiquiris!
Father of Two Blames Carbon Dioxide Leak
for Drowsiness, Loss of Motor Skill
While others around him enjoyed some games, good food
and the company of family and friends, Ted Cmiel, 39,
was overcome by a wave of drowsiness that eventually
lead to unconsciousness.
Despite being the only person above the age of 2 who
seemed affected, Scmiel said "that house is a ticking
timebomb" and he would not return until carbon monoxide
detectors were installed.
Twins React to "Biggest Fan's"
Disappointment
After getting off to a great start sweeping the
Baltimore Orioles to open the 2007 Major League Baseball
season, the Minnesota Twins did not maintain that pace
for long.
"They split a weather shortened series with Chicago,
they lost 2 out of 3 to the Yankees at home, but I
figured hey, the Devil Rays are coming to town".
commented Dave O'Brien. "They can sweep or at
least take 3 out of 4 from them".
The Twins split the 4 game series which included Johan Santana's
first home loss since June 2005, and reliever Joe Nathan
giving up two runs in the 9th to lose game 4.
Centerfielder Torii Hunter was visibly uncomfortable
when asked if he heard that Dave was angry. "Oooh...yeah...sorry
about that. I mean...we are really going to start
to hustle out there Dave and I swear it will not happen
again".
Dave, while heartened to hear the teams reaction, still
finds the situation "completely unacceptable" and
remains pissed.
Insurance Juggernaut
Recoups 2005 Hurricane Season Losses In One Day
State Farm Insurance Company lost billions of dollars
in 2005 due to an unusually strong hurricane season,
which included the devastating Hurricane Katrina and
Hurricane Rita. With shareholders left holding the
bag, the company has no choice but to explore ways to
recoup the staggering number of claims paid.
When Area Resident Dave O'Brien put in a claim for roof
and siding damage, he felt confidant that the insurance
company to whom he had been paying premiums, without a
claim, for 14 years would stand up and do the right
thing. "Boy, that was a stupid thought" said
O'Brien "they said the damage was not the result of the
high winds that pummeled the roof with golfball sized
hail, but it was the result of an "installation defect".
"I told them I was going to to switch companies, but the
adjuster said if I did he would come back and tie my
wife to the train tracks".
When reached for comment on the situation, a State Farm
representative replied "Muhwha-ha-ha!".
Accolades Continue for This
Cinderella Story
Young Upstart Website! Besides being IS0-2001 certified, and a JD Power and
Associates Best in Class Award Winner, do.com has been named
the MackBird.com
Web Site of the Month for June 2006.
Cycle of Robot Violence Continues
Civic leaders are calling for calm among the cites robot
community after this weekend's unusually high number of
incidents of robot fights. Tempers flared as high
temperatures fueled sporadic outbursts around the city,
ranging from robot fist fights to looting of several
local liquor stores. With temperatures expected to
remain above normal for the remainder of the week,
residents are cautioned to stay clear of groups of
robots and call 911 if any suspicious behavior is
observed.
Critics say these violent
matches, often ending in contestants head being knocked
off, attract large crowds and encourage drinking and
gambling. Leaders in the robot community counter
that these fights are just a part of their culture and
are more concerned about
overly aggressive police tactics. One robot who declined
to be named for this story was quoted as saying the
police can "bite my shiny metal ass".
Families Shock, Disbelief, and Finally Acceptance of Marriage News
A move that stunned most last weekend, in a whirlwind of
spontaneity, Mark Simpson founder of mackbird.com, grabbed his gal (my niece Mrs. Mark
Simpson), and fled to Fabulous Las Vegas, donned a white
sequined Elvis jump suit, and got married. For
full details, check out:
www.mackbird.com/MIG/07-26-06.htm
** RETRACTION: ** The editors of do.com would like to
apologize to the family of Mr. and Mrs Brian Smith.
We originally reported that Mrs. Jennifer Smith was
carrying a delicious rotisserie chicken but it turns out
we were incorrect. Mrs. Smith was in fact carrying
twin boys and gave birth last week.
Twin boys Harry Patrick and Vincent Something Smith were born on
or around August 10th in Coon Rapids, MN. Both
mother and children are doing well, despite having to
put up with dad's projectile vomiting and other
cholera-like symptoms.
We express the deepest apologies for this inaccuracy
but do admit that now we are hungry for garlic seasoned
new potatoes.
Click to read the Original Story
Local Solar System Member
Becomes Latest Corporate Downsizing Victim
Solar System member and long
time planet Pluto was dismissed on Thursday after the
International Astronomical Union went through a round of
"down-sizing".
Peter Van Derweir, spokesman for the IAU said that the
reductions were a necessary measure in light of recent
economic realities. "Times are tough out there in
intra-stellar space and we were required to make some
hard decisions to keep the Solar System profitable.
Because you have been on the job since the early 1930's
does not entitle you to a paycheck. Please bear in mind
that this move should in no way reflect upon the fine
job that Pluto has done in the role as our ninth planet
for the past 75 years."
While Pluto's future plans are in doubt, it has been
reported that the former planet will pretend to maintain
it's orbit around the sun from 9 to 5, but in actuality
will hang out at the library or a local bar. "Yeah,
I'll probably keep that up till my wife Charon figures
out I got canned. I mean, what am I supposed to tell my
kids? That I am a Trans-Neptunian object now? What the
f*** is that? You ever see a help wanted sign for a
Trans-Neptunian object?"
Jupiter has expressed interest in taking Pluto on as
it's 64th moon. "It would be an adjustment going from
one of nine planets to one of 64 natural satellites. But
hey, at least the light is better here and the work day
is shorter".
Why is this crocodile smiling?
"Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin
Killed Unironically
Fans expressed shock at the death of popular Discovery
Channel Program host and Wildlife Conservationist Steve
Irwin after being attacked by a stingray during a
documentary shoot on the Great Barrier Reef. Most
expressed shock that the wild animal teasing that was
the center of Mr. Irwin's show didn't kill him sooner.
When asked, Boppi a 16 year old Australian Alligator at
the Wildlife Safari Park said "This guy has been teasing
us for years. I say he got what he had coming
to him."
Another gator, who asked we not identify him by name
added "You think I never tried to bite that guys leg?
He was just really quick. I mean, I weigh like 1100 pounds and I got these
little arms. I wish I had a gotten
shot at him in the water. When I told Trudy what
happened he laughed so hard he blew a chicken bone out
of his nose. Now that's funny".
Beard Thefts Rise 11% in Anoka
County
Department of Public Safety statistics released last
month showed a fall in the rates of crime in virtually
all areas for Anoka County, except for one.
Reports of random beard thefts showed a remarkable
increase of 11% in 2006.
Area Man Dave O'Brien learned about this statistic the
hard way. Wednesday October 25th started like any
other day, except for one: he went to sleep with a
beard, when he awoke it was gone.
Mr. O'Brien has sported a goatee since December 1990.
"It was about that time I started to feel like I kind of
had a pudgy, baby face. Shortly after that while
skiing at Afton Alps, a guy in the bar shouts at me 'Hey
Pugsley, pass me the ketchup'. This whole table of
people exploded with laughter".
It was at that moment, Mr. O'Brien's 16 year
partnership with his beard began. He vowed to
never show his naked chin again. It was a promise
he had kept until he awoke to find his beard gone.
"I don't know what this neighborhood is coming to...I
mean to steal a man's beard while he sleeps is just
wrong".
When asked if he planed on re-cultivating his sweet-ass
beard he dejectedly answered "I don't know, it is just
too soon. I mean, I don't know if I could go
through this again..."
MN DoT Awards Sign Design
Contract to Area Man
Yellow caution signs are all around
us. We see them everyday whether we are in a
crosswalk, or perhaps near a deer crossing area.
Several deaths attributed to the shock of $80 gasoline
fill-ups last summer have prompted the Minnesota
Department of Transportation to issue bids for the
design of a new warning sign. This sign will be
displayed during the busy summer travel season when
prices are expected to spike near the $3 a gallon price
level.
Design winner and local web entrepreneur Dave
O'Brien when asked how he came up with the design simply
said "I just tried to convey how it felt to fill up the
RV last summer".
Area Deer Installed as Supreme
Overlord and Potentate of Wisconsin
In a surprising and legally
binding move, the Wisconsin Supreme Court upheld an
obscure provision in an 1843 treaty that specified a
White Tailed Deer shall be made the "Supreme Leader" of
the "territories east of the St. Croix River" covering
Western Wisconsin.
12 Point Buck and new leader
Finiar the Stout stated at his first press conference
"Yeah, there are going to be some changes around here..."
Area Man Stalks, and Kills Own
Coniferous Tree For Seasonal Ritual Celebration
While many view the cutting of a Christmas Tree a
wholesome family tradition, others embrace it as an
opportunity to give old mother Nature a round-kick to
the head.
Area Man Dave O'Brien takes it as an opportunity to get
in touch with his more primal instincts. "I don't
hunt deer or pheasants. But I never feel more alive
than when I am hunting a Frazier Fir."
Mr.
O'Brien admitted "these Northern Species put up a bit
more of a fight than the tame ones from a Cub Foods
parking lot. But that's part of the fun though
isn't it?" he said with a wink, his sawblade still dripping
with sappy gore.
Area Man Discovers Benefits of Coffee
Even though I am 38 years old I never really got
into coffee because I always drank Mountain Dew which is
good but I hate the fact it has so much sugar and that
cant be good for you but what are you going to do
because it really gets you going so my neighbor had me
try a latte from Starbucks and man was it good so before
you know it I am drinking lattes and espressos and just
plain old black coffee at work and you know what man I
am getting things done like never before and it is
almost like my brain has a new gear I was not using and
I can organize my projects and prioritize and get things
done like never before its the best but I gotta go clean
the garage now.
Area Woman Attempts to Open
Christmas Gift With Her Mind
Theresa Glauvitz, Princeton mother of two, surprised
family members by unwrapping several Christmas gifts
without touching them.
Before this, the only thing I had used my "powers" for
was making traffic lights turn green and willing punt
returns for touchdowns.
Local Grandmother Entertains, Eats Children
A Maple Grove Woman is being considered a "person of
interest" in a string of child disappearances dating
back to the late 70's. A Flying Monkey close to
the situation, who spoke under the condition of
anonymity said "Look, I ain't never seen her eat a kid.
Could I see her doing something like that? Oh
yeah, I can totally see that happening".
Single? Canine? Looking For A
Good Time?
Hey, my name is Patkoke, I am a single, non-smoker, Peruvian
Hairless, looking for companionship and possibly
romance? I like taking long walks in Aztec Ruins
and chasing my tail. If you are into a
non-traditional look, take a chance and lets get
together. Plus, look at my package...I mean,
pretty nice right? Yeah, you know you like what
you see.
Twinsfest Comes To Town
The 2006 American League Central Division Champion
Minnesota Twins are holding their annual TwinsFest!
It gives the fans a chance to take part in games,
autograph sessions and mix with the players.
Here's a shot of Andover resident little Davy O'Brien
getting his picture taken with Twins perennial Gold
Glove Centerfielder Torii Hunter .
Scientists Baffled As East Bethel
Man's Penis Goes Missing
After sitting down and watching American Idol for the
8th consecutive week, East Bethel resident and family
man Brian Smith was alarmed to discover his penis had
mysteriously disappeared.
"I watched American Idol with my wife just like
we do every Tuesday night. We Tivo it so we can
skip past the commercials and not miss a second!
When I woke up the next morning...I was like a Ken
doll...nothing down there."
Experts are theorizing that prolonged exposure to shows
such as American Idol, foods like Yoplait French Vanilla
yogurt, and driving cars such as a Chrysler Sebring or
Honda Passport can disrupt natural hormone levels in a
man causing the body shed its unneeded apendages.
Mr. Smith was hoping to have his man-bits back for the
weekend, but with a Lifetime Channel Gilmore Girls
Marathon coming up, it would seem doubtful.
Point / Counterpont: Daylight
Savings Time Point: Chance Lindon, 20, Student
I simply adore the ritual of Spring Daylight Savings
Time. To me, it means the ushering in the
Spring season! It means a renewal of the seasons
and a rebirth from the cold wintry days. The loss
of an hour of sleep is a small price to pay for the
start of the boy watching season! Ooooh - watch
me, I'm bad!
Counter-point: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, 43, Al-Qaida
Mastermind
Daylight Savings...yes, I hadn't much thought about it.
But I guess I am against it. I am busy enough
plotting to overthrow the infidel's governments without
losing an hour of sleep. Yeah...come to think of
it, I might have heard the CIA Goon Squad beating down
my door if I had some more sleep. I guess Daylight
savings is another plot of the Zionists. Yes, this
Daylight Savings is a terrible idea.
daveobrien.com To Enter New Marketing Partnership
Plans for a partnership between daveobrien.com and the
E! Television Network were unveiled today. A spokesman
for E!, along with a smiling Mr. O'Brien said "We are
proud to announce the addition of of Dave O'Brien to the
series "Girls Next Door". "Internet entrepreneur Dave
O'Brien is in the perfect demographic we were looking
for".
It is unclear where Mrs. O'Brien was for the news
conference.
Yeah...I know Kermit the Frog
I got the chance to meet Kermit the Frog a few summers
ago when I was in Chicago on business. The Muppets
were promoting their new movie and they were staying at
the Chicago O'Hare Hyatt. They made quite an
entrance, with the waving of their arms, yelling and all
those chickens that Gonzo dates or whatever. Later
in the hotel bar, I got a chance to talk with Kermit,
and I will tell you what, that is one little bitter
green motherf-er. I guess after Jim Henson died,
his kid who runs the show restructured all of their
contracts and they are barely making ends meet.
I felt kind of bad, so I ended up buying him like 8
Dewar's and Waters and we wound up at a strip club.
Did I mention that is one foul mouthed frog? I
have never seen anyone smacked so many times by
strippers. I pulled him out of there before there
was any serious trouble, but he ended up puking in the
limo. I felt bad for whoever had to clean up that
stinky mess of flies and scotch. I got him back to
his room and didn't see him again, but I did get a nice
autographed photo in the mail.
The whole incident makes me wonder if Animal is just a
really hairy guy with a coke problem.
Restraining Order Sought Against Area Man Attorneys for PGA Star Tiger Woods were in Minneapolis District Court on Monday seeking a restraining order against over-enthusiastic fan Dave O'Brien.
Robert Walth, attorney for Mr. Woods, when asked about the requested court order, replied "Mr. O'Brien's repeated and annoying intrusions into my clients life have got to come to an end. Mr. Woods has been subjected to repeated visits, telephone calls, emails, packages, and general stalking. It has come to a point where my client is fearful for the safety of not just himself, but his family".
When asked about the proceedings, Mr. O'Brien exclaimed "Did you talk to Tiger? Ask him if he liked the portrait I had done"!
Area Woman to
Give
Birth to Delicious Rotisserie Chicken East Bethel resident and prodigious procreator
Jennifer Smith thought she was having a normal summer. While
for the past eight summers, it is normal for Mrs. Smith
to be with child, this year is turning out a little
different. During a routine
prenatal checkup, ultrasound technician Gina Anderson
was unable to explain what she was seeing.
"It appears that instead of the twin boys we thought
Mrs. Smith was carrying, it is actually some kind of
poultry, probably a chicken". Doctors later
confirmed it is a 4 pound Kenny Rogers Oven Roasted
Rotisserie Chicken. While it is still unclear how
this is possible, doctors are certain there is some kind
of sidedish behind the left drumstick.
"We know it's there, we just cant tell what it is yet.
My money is on Garlic Seasoned New Potatoes".
Howdy
Neighbor!
We got a new
neighbor a few weeks ago. I just got a chance to
say hello for a brief moment this morning. I think
he said his name was Bob, Bob Fett I think he said.
I gathered he is a bachelor, and works as a bail recovery agent or
something like that. He was in quite a rush, so I
didn't get much of a chance to talk. I just hope
he keeps the lawn up and doesn't throw too many loud
parties! Ah, the bachelors life. I know he
has just moved in, but I just hope he doesn't expect us
to look at those blocks of Carbonite in his driveway all
summer.
Trophy Wife
Search Nearing Completion The final rounds of this week's Trophy Wife Search
brought Dave to the Great North Woods of Wisconsin. He
had an opportunity to meet and greet many strong
candidates, none as strong as college Junior Tiffany Theisen of Chippewa Falls Wisconsin.
"She had many of the qualities I am looking for in a
Trophy Wife". Dave said "You know this is not strictly a
beauty contest, I am in a sense looking for the woman
who will become the step-mother of my daughter here".
The current Mrs. O'Brien's only comment to this largely
insulting affair was "Yeah good luck, if he can catch
one of them he can have them".
Birthday Party for daveobrien.com
Founder "Off the Hook"
Dave O'Brien, Founder and Chief Editor of
daveobrien.com, is 38 today and the weekend party thrown
for him is just winding down. "I never thought we
would have that kind of turnout. That got out of
hand really quickly". One of the party organizers
Randall Knight, long time friend and frequent
contributor to do.com commented "we really stepped it up
a notch this year. I saw a guy on fire, and some
horses, and I killed a guy with a trident!" Dave
exclaimed "I saw that! Yeah, I think we are going
to keep it a little more low profile next year.
This is setting up some pretty impossible standards for
the 2008 40th Celebration".
St Pats feels
the effects of "The Smith Population Bomb"
The demands of a growing parish are sometimes more than
the community can bear. "As the ranks of the new
born thru pre-school age demograhic expand, certain
parish services cannot be maintained at their current
level". said Terry Scherer, Deacon at St.
Patrick's Catholic Church. "Some people see parish
services like a "Give a Penny/Take a Penny" tray at the
store. There are some who feel it's OK to keep
taking pennies till the tray is empty" he added as a
thinly veiled reference to the closing of the Nursery
during church services. "I am not in a position
to tell people how many children to have, but even as a
Catholic I look at some families and say 'Come on,
enough already'"!
Our Latest Venture
As part of the diversification of the daveobrien.com
empire, we are pleased to announce our partnership with
VISA. You can apply today for your daveobrien.com
Platinum Miles Plus Double Rewards Zone VISA Card. Start
earning double points from the first time you use it.
Despite the 16 pages of 6 point fine print, no reason
not to apply today!
Satanic Hell Hound appears to worship "Snausages" "I originally came to this planet with plans of domination, you know subjugation of the human race and that whole deal. Till I had my first Snausage.
I mean, have you ever tried these things? From that day it was
like game over. You want me to wear the little collar and wag my tail...whatever. Just keep those Snausages coming."
Used Car Sales...Is
it a career for you?
Ask my nephew Ben Weis. He works for Johnson's
Chevy/GMC in Dairyland, WI. He was top salesman for his district
for Quarter 3 2005, garnered the coveted Freidman Trophy for
customer satisfaction, and is the only nine
year old I know who has a Chase Platinum Miles Credit Card.
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